It hits me in small moments: when my preteen lashes out because her favorite shirt isn’t where she expected it to be, or when my partner storms in after a rough day, silent and brooding. Even a casual reminder from my mother about staying in touch can trigger something deep within me. And let’s not forget those rare moments when a friend or colleague offers a compliment—I often find myself feeling utterly numb.
In these instances, I struggle to know how to react. Emotions flicker just out of reach, vanishing before I can grasp them, much like erasing words from a chalkboard before reading them. If the interaction is negative, my numbness turns into a mix of anger and shame. I obsess over what might have gone wrong, and if I can’t identify a specific fault, I end up feeling inherently flawed—unlovable—and retreat into myself. Conversely, when faced with kindness, I feel like a fraud, anxious that others will see through me. I can’t shake the feeling that I need to earn their approval.
For years, I’ve buried my feelings of overwhelm, puzzled as to why emotional exchanges often leave me feeling empty and disconnected, even from those I love. It wasn’t until I stumbled upon the concept of childhood emotional neglect (CEN) while researching for an article that I began to understand my struggles. Clinical psychologist Jonice Webb defines CEN as “a parent’s failure to adequately respond to a child’s emotional needs.” This lack of emotional validation can lead to deep-seated self-doubt and a diminished sense of self-worth.
When a child grows up believing their feelings are unworthy of recognition, it can instill the belief that they themselves are not valuable. Emotions can become “bad” in an environment where they are dismissed or ignored.
Many people are unaware of CEN. Webb notes in an interview with New England Psychologist that emotional neglect is often overlooked in favor of more visible forms of abuse. It’s a silent struggle, one that can go unnoticed until the ramifications surface much later in life.
As I explored the symptoms of CEN, I saw so much of myself reflected back. Individuals with CEN often experience emotional numbness, a sense that something is missing, and tendencies toward perfectionism. Of the 22 symptoms listed, I identified with all but two.
Yet, I found it challenging to accept the notion that I had been emotionally neglected by my parents. After all, I grew up in a comfortable home, enjoying the luxuries of a good education, healthy meals, and vacations. From the outside, my family seemed successful and happy.
However, the reality was more complex. My father was frequently away for work, often returning home exhausted and strict. I felt compelled to be the “good daughter,” excelling academically and caring for my younger sibling, while my mother, who was a stay-at-home parent, grappled with her unhappiness and depression, sometimes remaining in bed for days. No one in my family asked how I felt about school, friends, or life in general. When I visited friends and their mothers inquired about our day, I perceived it as intrusive.
It turns out my parents’ parenting styles—authoritarian and absent—are two of the five types that can lead to emotional neglect, alongside permissive, narcissistic, and perfectionist styles.
After coming to terms with my childhood experiences, I felt devastated but also relieved. Understanding the roots of my emotional emptiness was a significant breakthrough. The good news is that healing from CEN is possible. Recognizing one’s emotional needs and believing that they deserve to be met is crucial.
This newfound understanding not only offers hope for my own healing but also shapes how I approach parenting. I’m determined to provide my children with the emotional support I lacked. I know their feelings are valid, and while it’s overwhelming at times, I strive to validate their emotions, even when my instincts tell me to retreat.
This may seem straightforward for many parents, but for me, it’s a challenging journey—one I willingly undertake to ensure my children never question their self-worth.
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Summary
Living with childhood emotional neglect can manifest in various ways, from emotional numbness to self-doubt and perfectionism. Understanding this condition is crucial for healing. With awareness and effort, it’s possible to break the cycle of neglect and provide the emotional support that children need to thrive.
Keyphrase: Childhood Emotional Neglect
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