Not long ago, my son pointed out that it had been nearly a year since I last posted on my blog. It’s not for a lack of inspiration—so many noteworthy events have happened in that time!
For instance, I could have written about the time I accidentally sliced off a piece of my thumb while using a mandoline slicer. I distinctly remember picking up the severed part, contemplating whether I should seek medical help while wrapping it in a paper towel. In hindsight, I needed weeks of treatment. Only a true Italian would risk their finger for the sake of perfectly sliced eggplant!
I also could’ve shared that shortly after “The Mandoline Mishap,” I was diagnosed with skin cancer on my scalp. As much as I’d love to add some humor to that story, I struggled to find a funny angle. Thankfully, I’m fine now—take that, squamous cell carcinoma!
Another significant milestone worth mentioning is my oldest child’s high school graduation. She got accepted into the University of Washington, her top choice, and our family gathered to celebrate this achievement. I remember feeling a mix of joy and tears, although the specifics escape me now.
This summer was filled with preparations as she worked to save up for school. We bought new bedding for her dorm, storage bins, and even a mini-fridge. I thought I was handling it all rather well. Until yesterday, that is, when we packed the car, boarded the ferry, and headed to Seattle. We settled her into a lovely, modern dorm and enjoyed dinner with her roommate and her family. Everything seemed fine—until I hugged her goodbye.
Watching my daughter walk down that city street, leaving behind her family and childhood, hit me like a ton of bricks. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with emotion. It feels like I’ve been caught in a hurricane of feelings. Of course, I anticipated feeling a sense of loss when she left. After spending 18 years together, it’s impossible not to miss someone, even if they can be a little annoying at times. Mine, thankfully, is not that difficult, which only heightens the intensity of this moment.
I also feel a creeping worry. For the first time, I don’t know where she is at all times. I used to know her bedtime, wake-up time, and breakfast choices. Now, she’s in a bustling city, and I have no idea if she’s getting enough rest or wearing a jacket today. The best word to sum up this unsettling feeling is—well, unsettling.
Along with this anxiety comes guilt. I find myself second-guessing every decision I made as a parent. Did I prepare her adequately for the “real” world? Did I instill too much fear or not enough? Will she remember to keep the pepper spray in her bag? Why didn’t I insist she take a self-defense class? Is she able to mail a package? Did I ever mention that the post office closes at 5:30?
I didn’t expect to feel anger, but here I am. I’m irked at the world for not preparing me for this. Throughout my parenting journey, I’ve received a flood of unsolicited advice on every conceivable milestone: sleepless nights with newborns, toddler tantrums, bullying in middle school, and high school pressures. But when it comes to sending your child off to college, the response is always, “Oh, how exciting!” Not once did someone say, “I’m so sorry. That’s really tough for you.”
And yes, I am thrilled for her; I want her to fly. But none of that changes the fact that, right now, it’s really hard for me. So, to all you parents of younger kids out there—take heed. This part? It’s tough. You’re welcome.
People keep telling me I’m lucky she’s only an hour away, which, until yesterday, I found comforting. But the truth is, it doesn’t matter whether she’s an hour away or five; she’s still not in her room. The house feels so empty.
I keep envisioning my little girl walking toward her dorm, and in my mind, I’m shouting, “Wait! Turn around! I’m not ready yet. I need just a little more time!” But time has moved on, and all I can do is hope I made the most of it.
Despite my heavy heart and tangled emotions, I recognize the truth: I may need more time, but she doesn’t. She’s strong, intelligent, and ready for what lies ahead. So, world, she’s all yours—please treat her kindly.
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Summary:
As parents, watching our children grow up can be bittersweet. The author reflects on the emotional turmoil of sending her daughter off to college, grappling with feelings of worry, guilt, and unexpected anger. While she acknowledges the excitement of her daughter’s new journey, she also shares the struggles of letting go and the desire for just a bit more time together.
Keyphrase: “letting go of a child for college”
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