Parenting Insights
By Amanda Richards
Updated: May 14, 2020
Originally Published: Sep. 14, 2017
On the second day of fourth grade, I walked my 9-year-old daughter Mia to her classroom. As I said goodbye, she asked if we could talk privately. My mom instincts kicked in—was she being bullied? Did she get into trouble?
We found a quiet corner in the school hallway where she confided, near tears, that she felt like she was walking funny. “It’s because my tummy is too big,” she admitted, triggering a wave of negative self-talk. She showed me how she was slightly hunched over throughout the day to conceal her “big” stomach.
As a woman, I completely understand this struggle. But how could a 9-year-old already feel so negatively about herself? It’s disheartening to realize that the societal pressures to be thin and beautiful begin as early as age 6 and persist throughout our lives. While this issue is not new and doesn’t seem to be changing anytime soon, I’m determined to address it early for Mia and any other child I can reach. Over 43 years, I’ve learned that our perceptions of body image can lead to depression, unhealthy behaviors, and eating disorders.
Let’s face it; I bear some responsibility for Mia’s body image concerns. Once you become a mother, especially to a daughter, your own insecurities come to the surface with startling clarity, urging you to reflect on everything you say and do. I worry about what I pass on to my daughter, hoping to instill in her the confidence and self-worth I lacked.
I regret all the times I criticized my own body in front of her, even if I didn’t say it directly to her. Kids are perceptive; Mia can hear me from another room or sense my discomfort in a swimsuit. How can I expect her to develop a strong sense of self if I don’t have one myself?
The encouraging news is that I’m not alone; approximately 91% of college-age women in America feel dissatisfied with their bodies and often turn to dieting. Personally, I don’t believe in dieting, which might explain my own struggles. Only 8% of women naturally have the hourglass figure often glorified in the media.
You can tell your daughter endlessly that she’s not fat and that her worth doesn’t depend on others’ opinions, but let’s be honest—these reassurances often fall flat. So, after reflecting on my role in perpetuating this cycle, I decided to take action. I created a Body Image Worksheet to share with my daughter, and to my surprise, it worked for Mia. Perhaps it can help your daughters too.
Start with a Casual Conversation
Set aside some time for a relaxed discussion. This took Mia and me less than an hour. Get comfortable, stay focused, and encourage her to share her thoughts and questions. You might be surprised by what she reveals when she feels safe and supported.
Acknowledge Your Own Body Struggles
Children respond well when adults admit their insecurities. Explain that you also have body issues and that you’re working on how to speak positively to yourself while maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
Normalize Puberty
Puberty can begin as early as 8 years old. Many young girls gain what’s often labeled as “baby fat,” which can cause anxiety as they compare themselves to peers and media figures. Explain that this weight gain is a normal part of their development and that their bodies will change in time, redistributing fat in a way that creates a more womanly figure. Celebrate this phase of growth with her!
Discuss the Dangers of Beauty Pressure
If left unchecked, societal pressures and bullying can lead to severe mental health issues. The anxiety and negative body image that arise during adolescence can develop into disordered eating and self-harm. Don’t shy away from these realities. I showed Mia a video of a young woman sharing her battle with bullying and eating disorders, and we both cried. It’s crucial for children to see that they are not alone in their struggles.
Reinforce Self-Worth Beyond Appearance
Mia shared that a friend had been calling another classmate “fat” and teasing her about her own “chubby” cheeks. This negativity impacted how she viewed herself. Use her story to illustrate that we are more than our bodies. If someone can’t appreciate you for who you are, they may not deserve a place in your life.
Emphasize that her self-worth is not determined by others’ opinions but by the unique, beautiful person she is inside. When I told Mia there’s only one of her in the world, she felt empowered, realizing it’s okay to be herself.
Encourage Resilience
Life won’t always be easy. Teach your daughter to face challenges and hold herself accountable. Remind her that perfection is unattainable for anyone, but she is strong and capable of overcoming difficulties.
Highlight Active Living
Mia loves soccer, and I encouraged her to reflect on what she enjoys about it. Often, the joy of movement comes from fun, creativity, and competition rather than physical appearance. Explain that enjoying physical activity is about feeling good, which can uplift her mood and promote health, regardless of shape or size.
Engage in Fun Activities Together
To wrap up our conversation, we explored before-and-after Photoshop images. Mia was amazed to see how celebrity photos are often altered. This sparked a great discussion about media representation and the unrealistic beauty standards it often promotes. You can extend this discussion with older girls by examining social media’s role in shaping self-image.
Create Top 10 Lists
One of the most impactful exercises involved creating top 10 lists. Mia wrote down ten things she loves about herself, while I did the same. Then, I asked her to list ten things she admires about me. This practice shifts the focus to positivity, reinforcing the good in ourselves.
In conclusion, discussing body image with your daughters is crucial for their mental well-being. Through open conversations, acknowledging our own struggles, and fostering resilience, we can help them navigate the complexities of body image in a society that often imposes unrealistic standards.
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