A year ago, my partner and I faced a significant turning point in our relationship. After more than two decades together, we had lost track of our priorities and what truly mattered in our marriage. A series of misunderstandings and unspoken resentments culminated in a heated argument, leading me to say something I never imagined I would: “I want a divorce.” This was the catalyst that brought us to a therapist’s office just a week later.
Despite the love I still felt for my partner, my hurt and anger made me think our relationship was beyond saving. We had wandered off course amid the chaos of daily life, and I feared we couldn’t reclaim our bond. I was ready to work on healing our relationship, but I was determined not to spend money just to air our grievances in front of someone else—something we could do ourselves for free!
Together, we began to prioritize open communication and mutual respect. With the guidance of our therapist, we learned to discuss our feelings in a safe space, allowing us to express our day-to-day experiences honestly for the first time in ages. This process was eye-opening, humbling, and at times, refreshing.
Although our issues weren’t linked to infidelity, we discovered that four negative traits were subtly undermining our marriage. These traits resembled the Four Horsemen, a concept from the Gottman Institute that symbolizes impending disaster in relationships.
The Four Horsemen
The Four Horsemen are criticized by John Gottman, who draws parallels between these biblical figures—representing conquest, war, hunger, and death—and the four destructive behaviors that can threaten a marriage: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
1. Criticism
Gottman emphasizes the difference between a complaint and criticism. A complaint focuses on a specific issue, while criticism attacks your partner’s character. We learned to express feelings by saying, “I felt hurt when you went for a run without me, as I thought we had agreed to do that together,” instead of “You only think about yourself.” Mastering the art of complaining without criticizing is vital for long-term relationship health.
2. Contempt
This Horseman can be likened to a “Pissing Contest.” When contempt enters the picture, we often become mean or disrespectful. My partner and I found ourselves in a competition to share who had the worst day, with me often belittling his challenges because he had a more traditional job without the distractions of kids. Contempt slowly crept into our interactions, leaving only hurt feelings in its wake. Gottman states, “Contempt is the single biggest predictor of divorce and it must be eliminated.”
3. Defensiveness
This Horseman is straightforward. When we feel hurt or attacked, we often respond with excuses or hurtful comments to shield ourselves. This behavior makes our partner feel unheard and only serves to deflect blame. Overcoming defensiveness has been a challenge, but learning to express our feelings in a way that honors both perspectives has been crucial for us.
4. Stonewalling
How often have you found yourself glued to your phone to escape a tough conversation? That’s stonewalling. It tends to arise after the other three Horsemen have already wreaked havoc. Ignoring your partner creates a significant barrier to effective communication. While it can be difficult, especially when past wounds need addressing, dismantling that wall is essential.
Therapy played a crucial role in saving our marriage. While we’re in a better place than we were last year, we recognize that maintaining effective communication requires ongoing effort. Sometimes, it feels awkward, but the techniques we’ve learned are yielding positive results. Therapy is helping us evict the Four Horsemen from our lives for good.
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In summary, open communication is vital to maintaining a healthy marriage. Recognizing and addressing the Four Horsemen can help couples strengthen their relationship and avoid misunderstandings.
Keyphrase: Effective Communication in Marriage
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