We all aspire to nurture polite and considerate members of society. Many parents begin instilling manners in their children even before they can speak. I remember when my little ones would reach for a snack, I would prompt them with, “What do you say?” And when they eventually muttered a “thank you,” I would feel a sense of accomplishment. However, teaching kids to say “please” and “thank you” doesn’t equate to teaching them true gratitude. Those phrases often become mere automated responses, reflecting social norms rather than genuine appreciation. If you think your ungrateful child is unusual, think again—most kids are self-centered and that’s perfectly typical.
Having a child who seems ungrateful is entirely normal; their lives are centered around their immediate desires. No amount of lecturing about how fortunate they are or compulsory volunteering will change that. Their cognitive development simply doesn’t allow for such complex thoughts just yet. Most children eventually grow into grateful individuals, so there’s no need to panic.
Children are naturally inclined to focus on their own wants and the immediate gratification of their impulses. Is it embarrassing when your child throws a tantrum over not getting the toy they see at the store? Sure. But that doesn’t make you a bad parent, regardless of what other parents might say online.
I once made the mistake of trying to guilt my then-4-year-old, Max, into donating some of his toys by sharing stories about children who had none. I hoped to appeal to his compassion while clearing out unused toys from our cluttered playroom. Instead of helping out, he cried at the thought of less fortunate kids. His response? He wanted to go buy toys for those kids—and, of course, one for himself too.
Trying to teach your kids gratitude can often feel like talking to a brick wall or might backfire spectacularly. For example, returning all their holiday gifts to teach them a lesson about gratitude may save you some money, but it’s likely to ruin the Christmas spirit for everyone involved. They might learn one lesson: “Don’t mess with Mom during the holidays.”
Planning on engaging them in community service? At best, they might be helpful, but more likely they’ll just be in the way of adults trying to make a difference. While encouraging altruism is commendable, forcing it upon them won’t cultivate genuine empathy.
As they grow older and develop a better understanding of others, you can introduce lessons on sharing and charity. Simple actions, like suggesting they set aside a portion of their allowance for a good cause, can help. But if they’re still self-absorbed when you’re discussing college plans, then that’s another story.
So remember, a lack of gratitude in young children is typical. As they mature, they’ll likely develop a better sense of empathy and appreciation.
In summary, it’s essential to recognize that ungratefulness in children is a common phase. With patience and time, your child will likely develop into a more grateful individual.