If there was ever a prime example of postpartum anxiety, it was certainly me.
On that first night home with our newborn, my mind was a chaotic whirlwind. Doubt and fear clashed inside my head as our baby boy’s cries escalated. It was 3:30 a.m., and the evening had spiraled into chaos. I stood over the crib, gripping the wooden bars, convinced we wouldn’t make it through this.
My son needed to be fed again. He needed another swaddle. And I desperately needed to pump. Again.
Swaddle, feed, pump, swaddle, feed, pump — I hadn’t slept in over 24 hours. Just two days post-labor, I felt like I was about to snap under the pressures of new motherhood.
“Sweetheart,” my partner, Tom, said gently. “I’m really worried about you. The sun is coming up. Just get some rest; I can handle this.”
I watched as he changed our son’s diaper. I watched him pour breast milk into a fresh bottle. I watched him sit in that rocking chair and… Oh no. Those diaper tabs aren’t aligned properly. The baby will leak! And did he just shake that bottle? Doesn’t he know that’s a no-no for breast milk? My goodness, he didn’t even clean the phalanges correctly! Bacteria could endanger the baby! And he’s not supporting the baby’s head… NO, NO, NO.
“Ugh, let me do it!” I snapped. “You’re not doing it right anyway.”
Tom stood up from the rocking chair, handing the baby back to me.
“Oh… okay. Sorry.”
He kissed both of us and returned to bed. As I rocked our son to sleep for the tenth time in a few hours, I heard Tom’s gentle snores fill the room. What should have been a moment of joy instead birthed a year-long season of resentment.
As the months rolled on, I noticed Tom becoming less engaged in the daily responsibilities of raising our child. I heard him calling my name to change the umpteenth diaper. I felt him nudging me to get out of bed. “Honey, the baby is awake.”
If I were to paint a one-sided picture, I could easily label Tom as selfish. But that was far from the reality.
The truth was clouded by my anxiety, exhaustion, and stress: Tom was keeping his distance, afraid that his parenting efforts would be criticized yet again. He lingered behind me at the changing table, wanting to help but fearing he would just mess things up. Whenever he ventured to rock the baby, I would swoop in, ready to critique and send him back to bed.
Tom wasn’t perfect, but honestly, who is? I was so tightly wound that I reacted negatively whenever things didn’t go according to my plan. As a result, the loving father of our child took a step back, hands raised in defeat.
Three years have passed since that overwhelming time of anxiety, and I can’t help but feel heartbroken when I reflect on it.
It pains me to think of a new mother struggling under the weight of mental illness. It saddens me to know that Tom’s confidence was undermined by me, his partner. Most of all, it breaks my heart that we missed out on being the amazing team we could have been from the very start.
Anxiety and exhaustion are deceitful. They whisper to mothers that they’re the only ones capable of getting the toddler to nap. They insist that if a diaper isn’t changed immediately, it will leak. They lead mothers to believe that if Daddy tries to soothe the baby, it will take longer.
And sometimes, we fall for those lies. It’s so easy to do.
Every day, I come across conversations about disengaged fathers. It’s as if uninvolved dads are an epidemic. Sure, there are some not-so-great dads out there, but I can’t help but wonder if there’s more to the story.
I think about moms like me, who feel out of control and try to regain that control by micromanaging every detail of their baby’s care. I think of dads like Tom, who, out of respect for their partner, retreat when asked to step back. I wonder if there are families, like ours, just struggling to navigate the fog of new parenthood while getting lost along the way.
Now that the clouds of anxiety have lifted, it’s clear to me: Tom, my best friend, wasn’t trying to withdraw from his fatherly role. He loves being a dad.
And just admitting that makes me feel sad.
If I can share this message with just one family and help prevent a similar period of resentment, I will feel accomplished. So here’s my plea to parents: Don’t allow stress and anxiety to push your partner away from their parenting role. Seek help if you need it. Embrace each other’s differences in parenting styles. Support one another. You deserve that respite, Mom. It will only make you both stronger as parents and partners.
Don’t deny yourselves the true joy that comes from parenting as a united front.
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Summary:
Postpartum anxiety can lead to misunderstandings in parenting roles, causing new mothers to inadvertently push their partners away. This article highlights the importance of communication and support between parents during the challenging early phases of parenthood. It underscores the necessity of teamwork and encourages both partners to embrace their roles fully for the benefit of their family.
Keyphrase: postpartum anxiety and parenting
Tags: “home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”