A few years back, when I picked up my eldest son from a friend’s house, he climbed into the car and immediately broke down in tears. “What’s wrong?” I asked, bewildered. “Nothing,” he choked out. “Come on, really… what happened?” “He… he… he said I throw like a girl,” my son cried.
“What’s wrong with throwing like a girl?” I responded, but that only escalated his tears. Thus began my journey to challenge society’s flawed perceptions surrounding boyhood and manhood.
To be honest, my understanding of gender biases started soon after my son was born and grew exponentially during his early years. It was obvious that he differed from many of the girls we encountered. He couldn’t sit still during circle time; instead, he would dash off to explore the gym, climbing on everything in sight. He was loud, energetic, and, as they say, “all boy.”
But what does “all boy” truly mean? This notion of masculinity—the expectations, double standards, and justifications we place on boys and men—has troubled me for a long time. Why do we teach little boys, who are just as sensitive as girls, to suppress their tears? Why impose unrealistic expectations on them to remain still, while labeling them as “out-of-control” when they need to move? Why is femininity often used as an insult towards boys and men? What does it even mean to “man up”?
On a recommendation from my editor, I recently viewed the documentary The Mask You Live In, produced by Jennifer Siebel Newsom in 2015. As a parent of two sensitive sons, the themes of masculinity and humanity resonate deeply with me. How can I raise my boys to be kind, gentle, and emotionally aware? How can I encourage them to be their true selves rather than conforming to societal norms? How can I guide them to express their emotions healthily without suppressing them?
If you haven’t seen this documentary, you need to make it a priority on your Netflix list. It’s a game-changer for parenting boys. Even if you don’t have sons, it will transform how you perceive and interact with the boys and men in your life—be it your nephew, the teenager next door, or your partner.
Prepare yourself: this film will tug at your heartstrings. I found myself sobbing or on the verge of tears for the entire 90 minutes, and its impact lingered in my thoughts for days.
According to its website, The Mask You Live In follows boys and young men grappling with the pressures of conforming to America’s restrictive definition of masculinity. The film features interviews with parents, boys, educators, mentors, and even men in the prison system, exploring the damage inflicted by harmful societal constructs of masculinity.
While I can’t capture the entirety of the film in a few words, it deeply examines how we communicate to boys that “being a man” means rejecting anything that could be perceived as feminine—such as sensitivity, emotional expression, and connection. These are not just feminine traits; they are human traits. By discouraging our sons from embracing these aspects, we deny them a crucial part of their identity and perpetuate a hierarchy that fosters sexism, violence, and a culture of hypermasculinity.
Although the film received mixed reviews for its surface-level exploration of complex issues, it sparks essential conversations. With rising violence and sexual assault rates, we must acknowledge our role in either perpetuating or dismantling unhealthy masculinity.
Our sons deserve better; we all deserve better. When my youngest son attended a summer camp, he received the “Most Compassionate” award—a moment of immense pride that still hangs on our fridge four years later. Shouldn’t we be celebrating our sons for their kindness and empathy rather than just their athletic achievements? Shouldn’t we encourage them to be fair, understanding, and compassionate rather than aggressive and hardened?
Our little boys will one day grow into men, and despite appearing to happen overnight, it takes time and guidance to nurture a boy into a man. We have the power to shape who they become. We can either tell them to “man up” and push them into the world or encourage them to “be themselves” while supporting them along the way.
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In summary, The Mask You Live In is a thought-provoking documentary that challenges traditional notions of masculinity and encourages parents to raise emotionally aware and sensitive boys. It’s a must-see for anyone looking to foster a healthier understanding of gender roles in today’s society.
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