By: Jamie Carson
Updated: Aug. 17, 2017
Originally Published: Aug. 17, 2017
It’s been incredibly eye-opening for me to witness my partner, Mark, whom I’ve known since high school, as he navigates his adult relationship with his parents. For the most part, their interactions are refreshingly drama-free—a stark contrast to what many might expect in a parent-child dynamic. His parents treat him with respect, validate his feelings, and spending time together is not filled with anxiety or stress. In fact, he looks forward to their time together and continues to feel supported by them as he matures.
While Mark’s upbringing wasn’t without its challenges (whose childhood truly is?), he was fortunate enough not to endure abandonment, abuse, or severe trauma. As someone who has faced my own share of hardships, it’s both enlightening and comforting to realize that there are childhoods filled with love and safety, nurturing relationships that can last into adulthood. This realization gives me hope for the kind of upbringing I can provide for my future children, and just imagining that possibility brings me to tears of joy.
I am, indeed, a survivor. My parents made efforts, in their own flawed ways, but individuals who carry unresolved issues often pass on their dysfunction to their children. My childhood was a whirlwind of relocations—too many to count—up and down both coasts, marked by broken promises, deceit, divorce, and financial instability. I had a verbally and emotionally abusive stepmother and a father who was largely absent, caught up in his own narcissism.
While my mother served as a significant source of stability, she also brought her own level of anxiety that permeated my life, leaving me feeling unsafe and powerless against those who caused me harm. Like many children from tumultuous backgrounds, I learned to survive. But during those years, it didn’t feel like survival; it felt more like stumbling through life, constantly pushing my limits and figuring it all out as I went along.
When I applied to college independently and navigated the financial complexities myself, I was gripped with uncertainty, fearing I would somehow ruin everything. Starting to run, landing my first job, and learning essential life skills like cooking and budgeting often left me feeling isolated and doubtful of my ability to navigate adulthood successfully. The decision to attend therapy at 18 was equally daunting; I questioned whether I was making a monumental mistake or finally taking a step towards healing. I grappled with feelings of unworthiness, wondering if my panic attacks and estrangement from my father after a painful confrontation were valid concerns.
If you find yourself relating to this narrative, you know the turmoil of questioning your past. You may wonder if your experiences truly warrant acknowledgment. Was that moment when she called you an ugly, ungrateful child and nearly hit you with a vase abuse? What about the time he left in the night, abandoning you and your mother when she was pregnant? Are you simply weak for feeling hurt by these events? You’ve been conditioned to believe that you’re the one who isn’t grateful enough for the sacrifices made on your behalf, the one who didn’t love them deeply enough.
For those of us who are survivors, silencing those damaging inner voices is a monumental task. Yet, you have done it! You’ve managed to drown out those negative thoughts long enough to start planting the seeds for a new life—one where you recognize your worth, your strength, your beauty. You understand that your feelings are valid and deserve recognition. Every hurt you’ve endured was unjust, and it’s baffling that no one has stepped forward to offer a simple apology. Most importantly, you have surrounded yourself with loving, kind individuals who give and receive love unconditionally.
Now, as you embrace this new life filled with supportive relationships, you also carry a lingering fear that it could all disappear at any moment. You might find yourself worrying about the safety of your loved ones or believing, deep down, that you don’t deserve this happiness. This self-sabotage manifests in your thoughts and dreams—sometimes even in nightmares.
But here’s the truth: you need to hear it, and I need to remind myself of it too. Those fears are lies. The life you’ve created is real, and so are the people who love you—they’re not going anywhere. You’ve crafted a beautiful, nurturing life from the chaos of your past, and that is nothing short of amazing.
You are a survivor. Be proud of that achievement. I know I am.
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In conclusion, it’s important to recognize the strength that comes from overcoming adversity. You have the power to create a loving environment for yourself and those around you.
Keyphrase: childhood trauma survivor
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