“Hey, Emma, would you prefer to be called an extra mom or a stepmom?” our daughter, Lily, asked one evening while we were all gathered in the living room, playing games and enjoying each other’s company.
I couldn’t help but grin because this was an easy question for me, and I’ve felt this way for a long time. “Honestly, I prefer ‘bonus mom’ over ‘step’ or ‘extra.’ A bonus is something unexpected that brings joy, and that’s how I feel about you all. I didn’t anticipate having you in my life, but I feel so fortunate that you’re here!” I replied, and she beamed back at me.
“Awesome! You’re my bonus mom!” she exclaimed.
When my bonus kids first entered my life, we didn’t think much about labels. Our boys were just a year old, and our daughter was under four, so these questions of identity didn’t come up at that time. I never really considered my role defined by those terms. I recall someone mentioning “stepmom” to me, but it didn’t resonate. While society categorizes non-biological parents with the “step” label, I never felt that disconnect. I was deeply involved in their lives, participating in parenting just as any mom would, regardless of the biological ties.
My perspective on parenting has always been shaped by my own experiences growing up in a blended family. I learned early on that love isn’t dictated by blood. I watched my half-sister refer to my biological father as “Dad,” even though he was technically her stepfather. I formed strong bonds with my stepsiblings at a young age. As an adult, I even developed a close relationship with my stepsiblings’ mother, who became yet another mother figure in my life. For me, it has always been about the relationships we build, not the biological connections.
As I thought about my future family, the desire to be a parent became clear. What mattered most was having the opportunity to offer love, guidance, and support to children, regardless of whether they were biologically mine. So when I fell in love with a wonderful woman who had three children, my feelings were simple: I loved her, and by extension, I loved her kids.
I know that many adults in relationships with single parents may find it challenging to bond with their partner’s children, especially when those children have two biological parents in their lives. For us, though, our situation remained uncomplicated in this aspect. I had love to give and no children to shower it on, while my partner had kids who could always benefit from more love. We embraced this opportunity to love each other openly and honestly.
However, being a bonus parent does come with its own set of unique challenges. Our kids split their time between two households, which can be the toughest part of this journey. While it’s a beautiful gift to be part of their lives, it’s not something we can experience every day. Still, even when we aren’t physically together, our children remain in our hearts and thoughts.
All parents eventually learn to cherish the fleeting moments they have with their children, but perhaps those of us who share custody learn this lesson sooner. Although it can be difficult, I choose to see it as a silver lining. We learn to appreciate our time together because the intervals apart are inevitable.
I can’t compare my love for these children to a biological mother’s love. I don’t know how it would feel if I had biological children of my own. What I do know is these are the kids I’ve chosen to love fiercely. They occupy a significant place in my heart, and I will always protect and support them. Whether they’re right in front of me or off pursuing their own paths, I am profoundly grateful for the impact they’ve made on my life.
If you’re interested in more about family dynamics and parenting, you might find this article on home insemination kits useful, as well as this excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination from Johns Hopkins.