If I had to encapsulate life as a mom in one word, it would be “thankless.” From the moment I welcomed my children into the world (which, by the way, didn’t come with any “push presents” in the delivery room), I’ve been on call 24/7. Not only do I cater to their personal needs, but I also handle their meals (with barely a “Thanks, Mom!”), tackle the seemingly endless pile of dirty dishes, and manage the mountain of laundry that never seems to dwindle.
Motherhood is a relentless and exhausting role. Even when my kids are old enough to forgo diaper changes or need minimal supervision during bath time, they still have their demands. My home would shine if everyone contributed to keeping it tidy, but that’s not the reality. While I teach them to be independent and responsible, I still find myself managing nearly everything.
Every room in the house has an invisible checklist of tasks, and guess whose name is next to every item? That’s right, MOM.
Do I take on all this work because I find immense joy in repetitive chores or because it fulfills me? Absolutely not. I do it because it’s the tradition of mothers throughout history, and this work often goes unnoticed by the very ones who benefit from it (those little ingrates).
There are no ancient murals depicting mothers preparing meals or creating a cozy home environment. No epic poems or ballads celebrate moms cleaning up or managing the household. When we tackle all this on top of a job or while feeling under the weather, no one seems to notice. Going above and beyond to meet my family’s needs isn’t hailed as heroic or praiseworthy; it’s simply expected.
The key person keeping the household running is often taken for granted, like the air we breathe. And if we’re not the ones bringing home the most income? Forget it. A Mother’s Day card might be all we get, a token acknowledgment of our worth.
“It’s a labor of love,” we tell ourselves while scrubbing those messes that aren’t ours, day in and day out.
As I navigate this busy life, I get a bit irked when my partner feels the need for applause for the bare minimum of “help.”
Let me clarify—I genuinely appreciate when he lightens my load (that’s why I’ve taught my kids to pitch in since they could hold a sponge). Given that my partner works outside the home longer hours than I do, it’s logical that I handle more of the household chores. I accept that.
However, what I can’t wrap my head around is his expectation for thanks when he does things I do regularly, often without so much as a nod of appreciation.
Take the dishes, for example. I work outside the home a few evenings each week. Before I leave, I make sure dinner is ready, even if I don’t get to sit and eat with my family. When I return home and find the table cleared, my partner feels the need to announce his “good deed.” “I cleaned up after dinner,” he’ll say, not directly asking for thanks but clearly anticipating it.
It doesn’t matter if there are still dirty dishes in the sink or if I’m left to handle the counter cleanup. In his eyes, he deserves gratitude for doing a fraction of what I do daily. He could have easily left the mess for me to tackle alone, plopping down on the couch instead, just like anyone would want to do.
Theoretically, I could adopt that mindset, but then what? Watch as the mess accumulates, hoping someone will notice that I’m the reason our home runs smoothly?
I do what I do because, unfairly, it’s expected of me—more than what’s proportionate—simply because I’m the mom.
If I’m not thanked for the countless tasks I complete daily to ensure my family has warm meals, fresh clothes, and a clean space, then I’m not inclined to offer thanks in return. If it’s part of my role, then it’s equally his responsibility too because we’re a team when it comes to our home just as much as we are regarding our children, finances, and all aspects of our marriage.
It’s difficult to feel gratitude when I give my all and still go unacknowledged. He does something once and thinks it deserves applause. If he wants my appreciation, he’ll need to step up and make it a regular habit. If he juggles chores along with a child in tow or while feeling ill, then I’ll be more than willing to acknowledge his efforts.
Perhaps I’ll try doing the bare minimum myself. The next time I do laundry, I might toss his work shirts into the washer and conveniently forget to transfer them to the dryer—or even hang them wrinkle-free in his closet. When he asks, “Honey? Where are my shirts?” I’ll respond with a proud smile, “I know! All clean!” and wait for him to shower me with praise. After all, at least I’m not just lounging on the couch, right?
This article was originally published on Aug. 9, 2017.
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Summary:
Motherhood is filled with thankless tasks that often go unnoticed, and while partners may occasionally help, the expectation for gratitude can feel one-sided. Balancing family responsibilities requires teamwork, and acknowledgment of each other’s efforts can lead to a more harmonious household.
Keyphrase: thankless tasks in motherhood
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