There’s a poignant poem by Philip Larkin titled “This Be The Verse,” which opens with the lines, “They mess you up, your mum and dad./ They may not mean to, but they do.” These words capture a universal truth that resonates deeply with many of us.
While some parents engage in truly terrible behavior, for most, their shortcomings are more mundane. They may raise their voices too often, bottle up their emotions, belittle their children, overlook signs of mental distress, or fail to provide the affection and attention needed. As a result, many children grow up feeling unloved.
My own parents exhibited many of these traits. I remember being yelled at frequently, often accompanied by exasperated remarks like, “What’s wrong with you?!” The only time I ever saw my mother cry, I panicked because it was so out of character for her. I was labeled overly sensitive, lacking common sense.
I struggle with severe anxiety, depression, and mild ADHD. Growing up, I always felt there wasn’t enough warmth, care, or love. When I went to college, 600 miles away, I practically urged my parents to leave my dorm, eager to start anew, free from their emotional challenges.
The Choice to Keep Them
As we transition into adulthood, we face a crucial choice: do we cut ties with the parents who have caused us pain, or do we reach out and embrace them? This was not an easy decision for me. After much reflection, therapy, and discussions with a well-known advice columnist (not linking — it’s pseudonymous), I made my choice during the painful period of my parents’ divorce: I will keep them in my life. I need to — for my own sake, for my children, and for them.
Yes, there are toxic elements to our relationship. My parents can go weeks without contacting me, and when I do reach out, the conversations are often brief and strained. I often feel like a mere asset to them when things are going well, such as when I published an article in a major newspaper or when my oldest child took his first communion. Conversely, during tough times, like when I’m dealing with a mental breakdown, I feel like a burden they’d rather ignore.
They also have their flaws. My mother struggles to understand my mental health issues, and I suspect she thinks my ADHD is just a figment of my imagination. My father, on the other hand, believes that using racial slurs in another language somehow makes them acceptable. He has a drinking problem despite health warnings, cheated on my mother, and often calls me, seeking reassurance about his worthiness. He rarely inquires about my children or remembers their birthdays.
Yet, I recognize that they did their best. Their generation rarely discussed mental illness honestly, often resorting to mockery or euphemisms. My father has expressed remorse for not seeking help for me as a child, albeit while placing some blame on my mother. They worked tirelessly and struggled financially, which explains some of their frustrations and outbursts.
When my mental health issues became particularly severe, my parents went out of their way to buy me a horse — a significant expense that ultimately helped lift me from despair. They celebrated my academic successes and supported me at track meets and riding shows, always striving to do what they could.
Maintaining the Connection
It’s their effort that compels me to maintain a relationship with them. Of course, there have been rocky patches, periods when we didn’t speak due to disagreements or hurt feelings. My grandfather even once pressured me to reach out to my mother after a long silence. I’ve been frustrated by feeling excluded from family discussions regarding health issues, and I’ve been upset that they rarely ask about my kids when they call.
But I stay connected because, like they tried with me, they deserve a chance to connect with their grandchildren. And my kids adore them. They view Nana and Poppy as loving figures who bring joy, gifts, and adventures to their lives.
My mother has a special knack for getting my boys to sleep when no one else can. When my youngest was born, she traveled 600 miles to help, managing two toddlers on her own while using cloth diapers. She even took them trick-or-treating. During a particularly rough time in my life two years ago, she took time off to come support me. Her care is evident.
Despite his faults, my father also deserves the opportunity to be a grandfather, albeit with boundaries (no drinking, no girlfriend allowed). He’s eager to take my boys fishing, a cherished pastime that could become a bonding experience for them. He tends to tear up at the thought of my oldest son running through autumn leaves, seeing it as a perfect representation of joy. He genuinely takes an interest in my writing career and boasts about my achievements to his friends.
The Journey of Forgiveness
So, I’ve made the decision to keep them in my life. While they may exhibit toxic behaviors, I notice those tendencies seem to mellow with age. To reach this point, I had to forgive them for my childhood — a challenging journey requiring therapy and the realization that they did the best they could. I also had to accept their imperfections today.
If your parents’ flaws aren’t severely harmful, it might be worthwhile to maintain a relationship with them. This is a deeply personal choice, and for some, cutting ties may be the right answer, especially if their parents are genuinely toxic. For a long time, I believed that severing ties was the best option for me, too. However, I found that this disconnect often puts a strain on other family relationships.
Ultimately, I chose to keep my parents. This decision has not been regrettable, as it allows me to have a family. That gift makes the sometimes-challenging and occasionally wonderful experience of having them in my life worthwhile. I hope this example of forgiveness and endurance will resonate with my children, and perhaps one day, they will choose to keep me in their lives as well, despite my own imperfections.
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Summary
Navigating the complexities of family relationships can be challenging. In this piece, Sarah Greenfield reflects on her decision to maintain a relationship with her parents despite their shortcomings. Through forgiveness and understanding, she aims to foster a loving environment for her children, while recognizing the efforts her parents made despite their flaws. This journey underscores the importance of family, love, and resilience in the face of past difficulties.
Keyphrase: Keeping parents in your life
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