Updated: July 29, 2023
Originally Published: July 29, 2023
It’s a rite of passage. At some point, all kids—yes, even the most well-mannered ones—will unleash a torrent of cheeky, rude, and disrespectful comments. This phenomenon occurs at every phase of childhood, as kids often respond thoughtlessly without considering who they’re addressing. And therein lies the issue.
My partner and I did our best to tackle the waves of disrespect when they hit. We tried to quickly address it with phrases like, “You can’t talk to me, your mother, that way,” and “That’s not how we communicate with others.” Initially, it seemed effective, but soon enough, the disrespect would resurface, leaving us to ponder, “What kind of children are we raising? Do they not see us as real people?”
The truth is, they didn’t—and that was the crux of the problem. When faced with this type of behavior, we often referred to ourselves as “Mom” and “Dad.” In doing so, we reduced ourselves to mere roles. I was just the “mom” who couldn’t be spoken to in that manner, and he was merely the “dad.” In this dynamic, we were allowing our children to forget that we were multifaceted individuals, not just caregivers. While being a parent is undoubtedly a critical role, to a child, it might simply equate to someone who provides food, shelter, and rides to activities—nothing more. They likely hadn’t seen us as anything beyond those functions, and they probably didn’t realize that long before we were parents, we were complete individuals with our own lives.
So, we decided it was time for a change, and the results were immediate. The next time one of my kids responded with rudeness, my partner stepped in and firmly stated, “You cannot speak to my wife like that.” It was as if I could see the lightbulb flicker on in their minds. Wait, she’s someone’s wife? That’s my mom! The woman who knows how I take my sandwiches and who always finds my missing socks. But what does that mean?
They actually began to grasp what it meant. As my partner’s words settled in, I could see that I had suddenly transformed into a more relatable figure in their eyes. I was no longer just “Mom” but someone deserving of respect. I had feelings, emotions, and needs beyond household chores and errands. I was capable of hurt, even from my own kids.
Once they understood that they could unintentionally bully their own mother, it clicked. They recognized that I was a real person with emotions, just like them. No one wants to be spoken to in a hurtful manner.
Over the years, we have continued to address disrespect with similar responses. I now respond to mistreatment of my partner in the same way, and this approach has fostered empathy and compassion in our kids as they grew into young adults. They have learned to see the humanity behind the roles of teachers, coaches, waitstaff, and all other adults they encounter. These individuals are not just fulfilling duties; they are people who are loved by others, and we must extend that same love and respect.
Next time your child speaks disrespectfully to you or anyone else in earshot, encourage them to stand up for you. Change “You can’t talk to your mom like that” to “You can’t talk to my wife/friend/sister like that,” and watch as you transform into a real person deserving of their respect. It’s a simple yet powerful shift.
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In summary, addressing disrespect from your children requires a shift in perspective. By presenting yourselves as whole individuals rather than just “Mom” and “Dad,” you can foster understanding and respect in your children. A simple change in language can lead to a deeper recognition of your humanity and worth.