As a child, my parents enforced a strict rule regarding conflicts in their marriage: never go to sleep angry. After heated arguments, they always managed to reconcile before bedtime, setting an example for my siblings and me. We were taught to resolve our squabbles before hitting the hay, even if it meant offering half-hearted apologies to avoid going to bed “angry.”
Now that I’m navigating my own marriage, I’ve come to realize that adhering to my parents’ advice isn’t always practical. After nearly two decades of marriage, raising two children, and managing a household, I can confidently say that my husband and I have had our fair share of intense disagreements. There have been moments where words exchanged crossed the line, leading to one of us storming out or giving the cold shoulder. Yes, we’ve even resorted to the silent treatment when emotions ran high.
While the idea of kissing and making up before bed sounds appealing, reality often tells a different story. With children needing help with homework, dinner to prepare, and laundry piling up, it can be nearly impossible to resolve significant issues immediately. Here are some reasons why it’s sometimes best to take a step back and wait until morning:
1. Avoiding Hurtful Words
In the heat of the moment, it’s tempting to lash out or try to “win” the argument. When sleep-deprived and angry, we can say things we regret. Those words often linger, causing rifts that take time to mend. So, while silence isn’t ideal, it can be better than unleashing hurtful comments you can’t take back.
2. Processing Emotions
In the chaos of marital conflict, it can be tough to articulate how you truly feel. Relationships involve complex emotions, and sometimes you need time to sort through them. For me, that means finding quiet moments to reflect, whether it’s going for a jog or taking a solo drive.
3. Kids Are Distracting
When disagreements arise, children often need our attention. They don’t care about parental tension; they just want what they want. While it’s crucial for kids to observe conflict resolution, it’s also okay to wait until they’re asleep to address serious issues. After all, you don’t want to air your grievances in front of an audience that might not understand.
4. Finding the Right Words
There are times when the hurt runs so deep that words escape you. In those instances, silence can be a protective mechanism. It allows you to gather your thoughts and approach the discussion once you’ve had a chance to process everything. A therapist can also help if communication becomes particularly challenging.
My husband and I have certainly clashed over the years, but I don’t view it as a failure of our marriage when we sometimes go to bed upset. What matters is our commitment to reconnect and prioritize healthy communication.
And as for that one time I lost my cool at the bus stop in front of the neighbors, feeling justified in my anger? Well, we both skipped the goodnight kiss that night—and that’s perfectly okay. We’re still here, navigating the ups and downs together.
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Summary
It’s not always feasible to resolve marital conflicts before bed, especially with children in the mix. Sometimes, taking a night to process emotions can prevent hurtful words and allow couples to approach discussions with clarity. Each relationship has its own dynamics, and prioritizing communication and understanding is key to a successful marriage.
Keyphrase: sleeping on anger with partner
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