When I look back at my childhood, I often wonder if my parents planned for my brother and me to be just 16 months apart. Everyone seemed to think it was a stroke of luck: “You’ll always have a playmate!” and “You two will be inseparable!” they’d say. But in reality, we had someone to argue with, someone to annoy, and someone to blame. I found him unbearable — he had the golden hair that everyone admired, while I felt plain and could rattle off the names of Jupiter’s moons. I felt unattractive; he felt overlooked.
Compounding our rivalry were the shared classes at school, where my teachers frequently compared us. “Your brother scored 100%,” one teacher announced, “so there’s no reason you can’t do the same.” The truth was, I wasn’t him.
Our personalities didn’t help either — both of us were quick to take offense and had a knack for starting fights. “You’re stuck with your brother,” my grandmother would say. I was struggling with my own issues, and perhaps he was too. Eventually, communication between us dwindled, particularly after I had my second child. We were supposed to be best friends, but the reality is that being close in age doesn’t guarantee sibling harmony.
As parents, we often hope our children will bond as we do, supporting each other through thick and thin. Research indicates that siblings aged 3 to 9 experience conflict at a rate of 2.5 times every 45 minutes of playtime. While some sibling dynamics are healthy and can balance the bickering with positive moments, not all relationships fit that mold. In fact, studies show that about 3-10% of Americans have severed ties with a sibling altogether.
Sibling estrangement can sometimes stem from childhood conflicts that fester into deep-seated resentment. Even if you have two children close in age, as my brother and I were, things can go awry. Competition plays a significant role too. My brother and I were always vying for our parents’ attention, leading to jealousy over who got more praise or participation in family events. It became a cycle of anger and rivalry, exacerbated by our desire for validation we may not have fully received growing up.
Some sibling groups are particularly at risk if they never learn to navigate normal conflicts. Katherine Conger from the University of California, Davis, mentions that in these cases, siblings might feel there’s no incentive to maintain contact, preferring to avoid each other instead. While parents can help mediate disputes, intrinsic personality traits can also affect how siblings interact. Some kids bounce back from conflict, while others struggle — I definitely fell into the latter category.
Even worse, according to psychotherapist Marcia Sirota, children raised in chaotic or neglectful environments may adopt a survival mindset, distancing themselves from siblings rather than forming closer bonds. Kids can internalize the negative behaviors of their parents and turn on each other, transforming what should be a supportive relationship into one fraught with hostility.
I never intended to have three boys spaced closely together, but with my oldest just 7, they currently seem to get along fairly well. My eldest dotes on the youngest, while the middle child willingly shares his toys. They engage in imaginative play, and from my perspective, all appears to be harmonious. I breathe a sigh of relief — for now.
Of course, I worry they might end up like my brother and me, who once couldn’t bear to be in the same room. Yes, they fight; I’ve witnessed scratches and hair-pulling. They squabble and refuse to share. Yet, they consistently find their way back to each other, forgiving one another without much intervention from me (unless it gets out of hand). I hope they will grow to be each other’s allies and best friends, but I don’t mistakenly assume that a two-year age gap will make that a certainty.
For more information on sibling relationships and dynamics, you can check out this excellent resource on IVF or explore the insights from Home Insemination Kit.
Summary
Having children close in age doesn’t guarantee they’ll become lifelong friends. Sibling rivalries can stem from competition, parental favoritism, and personality differences. While some siblings maintain a close bond, others may drift apart or become estranged due to unresolved conflicts. Each family’s dynamics are unique, and while parents can facilitate healthy relationships, the outcome isn’t always what they hope for.
Keyphrase: sibling relationships
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