I find myself in a committed relationship, which comes with its own set of quirks. For starters, I’ve learned that some clichés hold true—like how it really bothers my partner when I forget to put the toilet seat down. Apparently, women don’t have built-in radar to avoid falling into the bowl. Oops.
Secondly, our home smells far better than it would if I were a 40-year-old bachelor. We have an array of scented candles that would make a holiday shop feel inadequate. Walk into our place, and you’re greeted by fragrances of cinnamon, a candle-ized version of the “ocean” (which, let’s be honest, is not the real deal that smells like fish), and sandalwood. I’m still unsure what verbena, jojoba, or sandalwood even are. I suspect a clever marketer came up with these names, and everyone just went along with it.
Thirdly, if there’s a show about flipping houses, searching for homes, or any couple from Waco taking on renovations, I’ve probably seen it. Not by choice, mind you. It’s just that my partner enjoys these shows—much to my chagrin, given my repeated preferences for MSNBC and reruns of goofy cartoons.
Having endured countless episodes of the “Tiny House Brothers” or whatever their names are, I’ve noticed some trends that deserve a good ribbing. Instead of wasting my time on classic literature or volunteering, I’ve decided to spend my time critiquing the HGTV lineup.
1. The Myth of Hardwood Floors
Every single episode features the same tired trope of pulling up a carpet only to reveal stunning hardwood floors beneath. Seriously? Not every house is hiding pristine wood under that shag carpet. What if they found… dirt? Just a thought.
2. The Entertaining Fallacy
It seems every couple on these shows insists they love to entertain. In reality, I prefer my solitude and snacks over the company of others. My partner, on the other hand, enjoys hosting gatherings. So, we reach a compromise: I wear pants, and guests occasionally come over.
3. The Shoe Closet Stereotype
These shows perpetuate the stereotype that every woman has an insatiable need for a massive closet dedicated to shoes. Not all women are shoe-obsessed, and it’s frustrating to see this repeated.
4. The Man Cave Myth
Every time a couple finds a “bonus room,” the woman suggests it as a man cave. I’d like to point out that my entire house serves that purpose—especially since my partner enjoys football too.
5. The Dominant Woman Trope
It’s clear the shows portray women as the decisive leaders in every household. While I respect my partner’s opinions, it’s a bit tiresome to see men depicted as clueless beings.
6. Unrealistic Budgets
The financials are absurd. Couples with quirky jobs like “dog doula” casually discuss budgets in the millions. Really?
7. Tiny Home Confusion
Tiny home buyers often wish for more space, which is baffling. Isn’t the appeal of tiny homes their compact nature?
8. Waco’s Overrated Charm
According to Chip and Jo, Waco is paradise. I beg to differ; it feels more like a strange experience I’d rather forget.
Now, you might wonder why I’m so knowledgeable about these shows if I claim to dislike them. It’s like a weird Stockholm Syndrome situation—forced to watch, I’ve begun to recognize their quirks. I complain, roll my eyes, but then I find myself critiquing the lack of accent colors in open-concept spaces.
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In summary, while I may roll my eyes at the HGTV lineup, I’ve grown to understand it, albeit begrudgingly.
Keyphrase: HGTV critiques
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