Yesterday morning, I took my child, Taylor, to the orthodontist to pick up a new retainer and ensure it fit correctly. The previous one had been chewed up by our old dog, who had surprised us all by finally deciding to explore the kitchen counters. It turned out that dental retainers are a dog’s idea of a tasty treat. Taylor was heartbroken when they discovered the remnants of their mangled retainer, especially since they had always been so diligent about keeping it safe. The first replacement was a complimentary one, but eventually, when the second retainer broke, we had to pay for a third.
While checking out, I remembered that it was almost July and that our dentist had mentioned scheduling an appointment for Jamie, who would likely need braces soon, just like our other children. After completing the payment, I casually mentioned, “Oh, I need to set up an initial appointment for my youngest.”
“Of course! What’s your child’s name?” the receptionist asked.
“Taylor,” I replied, “same last name.”
I’ve stopped using Taylor’s birth name because they’ve recently expressed joy at being referred to as a girl. It’s interesting to see how they respond positively when someone mistakenly identifies them as female. Even when we ask what to do if someone calls them a girl, Taylor just says, “Just roll with it. I don’t mind.” However, they are clear about not wanting to transition or identify strictly as a girl.
Navigating gender identity is complex. We live in a community where many people have known Taylor since birth, and for years, they were referred to using he/him pronouns. But during fifth grade, Taylor began presenting in a way that aligns more with femininity, growing their hair long and wearing clothes typically marketed to girls. However, they still identify as a boy and prefer he/him pronouns.
It’s challenging for a child to keep their gender identity private. They can’t just relocate to another state to escape the questions that other kids often ask, like “Are you a boy or a girl?” Adults may be more tactful, but the distinction between assigned sex and gender is often lost on children.
In elementary schools, practices frequently segregate kids by gender. They hear directives like, “Girls line up here, boys over there,” or “If you’re a girl who needs a bathroom break, raise your hand.” For non-binary children, these moments can be painful reminders that their identity is often overlooked.
Then came the moment that turned my stomach. The receptionist asked, “When’s his birthday?” I felt a wave of responsibility wash over me. My child, who prefers to avoid the spotlight, sensed the impending conversation and asked, “Mom, can I wait in the car?” Normally, I would have insisted she stay with me, but this time, I handed her the keys and said, “Yes.”
Leaning in slightly, I spoke softly, “Actually, Taylor isn’t ‘he.’ They are non-binary and use ‘they/them’ pronouns.” The receptionist’s confusion was evident, but I continued, “I know this might be a bit awkward, but I appreciate your understanding as we work through this.”
She responded with a nod, but then she hesitated, “So… should we refer to Taylor as ‘she’?” I quickly clarified, “No, I’m sorry. It’s a bit complicated. Taylor is neither male nor female. They are non-binary and gender nonconforming.”
The receptionist was still trying to process this information, so I elaborated, “Taylor was assigned male at birth, but they express themselves in a way that might be more traditionally viewed as female. However, they’re not looking to transition.”
At that point, I noticed another receptionist listening in. I decided to simplify my explanation. “Taylor is only 11, and we’re still figuring things out.” This seemed to resonate with both women, and the conversation shifted to a more understanding tone.
“I’m just going to note this so the orthodontist and staff will be aware,” the receptionist said. I appreciated her effort to accommodate us. After finalizing the appointment, I left feeling a mix of relief and frustration. I wondered why I hadn’t chosen a more inclusive orthodontist for Taylor. Perhaps next time I would be better prepared.
As I walked to the car, I realized it had taken 32 minutes to navigate this conversation about pronouns—something that older teens seem to handle effortlessly. I didn’t want to burden Taylor with the details, so I simply said, “Yeah, they were pretty booked. It was hard to find a time that worked.”
In the end, I hope to continue supporting Taylor as they navigate their identity. For anyone interested in understanding more about gender identity and non-binary experiences, resources like the CDC provide excellent information, and this blog post on home insemination is worth exploring too.
Summary:
Navigating the complexities of a non-binary child’s identity can be challenging, especially in environments that often enforce strict gender norms. Through one orthodontist visit, a parent learns the importance of advocating for their child’s preferred pronouns and identity, while also recognizing the need for more inclusive spaces.
Keyphrase:
Non-Binary Child Support
Tags:
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