My gynecologist suggested Xanax for my anxious vagina. Apparently, that feisty little diva is tightly wound and needs to chill out. She’s also scheduled for some massage therapy to help with the stress — how lucky can one vagina get?
You might wonder, “How does a vagina experience anxiety?” It turns out that general anxiety can find its way to your intimate regions — who knew? While some people tense up their jaws when stressed, I, on the other hand, clench my vagina. No judgment, please. It’s not exactly a walk in the park.
Maybe it’s the creeping perimenopause, maybe it’s the new regulations trying to rein in my reproductive system, or maybe I’m just losing it. Whatever the cause may be, I need to address this issue because who wants to roam around with an anxious vagina? I have plenty of other things to fret about!
Like, what if my car suddenly rolls off a cliff and plunges into the ocean? What if I don’t have that handy tool in the glove compartment to break the windshield? How would I escape? Or what if my furnace explodes in the dead of night? What are the odds I’d survive? I should probably devise an escape strategy. Jumping off the balcony sounds risky, but it’s a long drop, and I’d likely break my ankles. How could I flee from flames while carrying a child and a dog with injured ankles?
When I’m not imagining myself in a survival documentary, I worry about more mundane things. Like contracting a bizarre disease from using a Neti Pot or obsessively searching WebMD for solutions to my dry eyes and itchy skin. But back to my vagina. While Xanax and massage therapy are supposed to help, I’m not thrilled about relying on pills to mask the issue. I want to dig deeper and address the root causes of my anxiety naturally. I’d love for my vagina to adopt a more relaxed attitude.
But finding that relaxation is challenging. I’ve tried yoga and meditation, and wouldn’t you know it, I’m that rare person who experiences anxiety from relaxation. I even got a dog in hopes of finding some calm, but instead, I just ended up with a noise machine. You know that unpleasant sound when a dog licks itself? My dog is a champion at that. The combination of her licking and the sound of her nails clicking across the floor only adds to my tension.
So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to explore the organic route. I’m fortunate to live in a progressive area with a recreational cannabis shop just around the corner. It’s perfectly normal for a midlife housewife to pop in and buy some marijuana-infused gummies while her kids are at school, right?
Driving to an unfamiliar place gives me anxiety, so I did what any rational person would do: I consulted Google Maps and checked the parking situation via satellite. I drove past the dispensary about 14 times before I finally gathered the courage to park. I didn’t want anyone to see me, so I waited until the other customers cleared out before stepping inside. The staff were super chill and didn’t bat an eye when I nervously asked for something mild that could help relax my pelvic floor muscles.
I left with two bags of delicious salted caramels and a glimmer of hope. I indulged in the candy before bed, and then the panic set in. My lips tingled, my throat felt constricted, and one eye appeared larger than the other when I glanced in the mirror. Fantastic! Was I allergic to marijuana?
I spent the entire night binge-watching Bob Ross on Netflix, waiting for the effects to subside. The soothing landscapes were stressing me out, so I switched to YouTube and found myself captivated by ASMR videos. Those tiny food clips where they create minuscule burgers using tiny utensils with satisfying sizzling sounds are oddly comforting. Ahh, sweet serenity.
Maybe the cannabis is finally working? I start to feel a bit more relaxed, but then my stomach growls. I’m starving. I need those tiny cheeseburgers! Where am I going to find little burgers at midnight? The tension mounts, and panic rises. Nothing can save me and my anxious vagina now.
In summary, my quest for relaxation has led me on a wild journey through anxiety, unconventional solutions, and a few too many late-night cravings. If you’re navigating similar challenges, you might find some helpful information on home insemination kits at this link and learn from an authority on the topic at this source. For further reading on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource.
Keyphrase: Cannabis and Anxiety Relief
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