We’re currently navigating a challenging stage in our household. My eldest child is old enough to take on expectations typical of a “big kid,” while my younger ones are still reveling in the joys of being “too little” to shoulder true responsibility. I’m convinced this is a legitimate phase, so let’s agree on that!
Just the other night, while I was cleaning up our dessert of strawberries sprinkled with what I now recognize sounds suspiciously like a street drug, I instructed my kids to tidy up the pillow mountain they had created between their beds.
“Could you please start cleaning up?” I asked.
This is a routine request; if you make a pillow pile (which consists of every cushion and blanket in the house stacked high for jumping), you must also clean it up. Yet, on this particular evening—perhaps due to the weekend’s weariness or exhaustion from an epic indoor football game with their dad—the boys were not interested.
“We don’t want to!”
“We’ll use it again tomorrow!”
While my instincts screamed “I don’t care!” and “Absolutely not!” and “Just build another one!” I took a moment to reflect. The issue was with me. I had unintentionally employed the two words my partner and I decided to eliminate from our parenting vocabulary long ago: “Can you…”
I had made the mistake of asking my children if they were able to help at that moment, framing a non-negotiable as a question, which they answered—just not as I had hoped.
In our household, when we need our kids to do something, it usually sounds like this:
“Hey, I need you to help clear the table, okay?”
“But I’m working on my epic Lego spaceship!”
“That’s cool! First, let’s clear the table. Would you like to handle the plates or the cups?”
After an exaggerated pause and a dramatic eye roll, they eventually choose one option—let’s say “cups”—and we tackle the task together before they return to their Lego adventures.
If you think this sounds like a strategy straight out of special education, you’re spot on! It’s all about empowering our children while ensuring they remain within the boundaries we set as parents. Instead of asking “Can you…” we say “You can…” and offer them two acceptable options. This way, no one ends up feeling like they’ve lost out. Sure, there will be resistance and the occasional temper tantrum, but more often than not, we get through these moments with minimal hassle.
Because we’ve been practicing this for a while, our kids know that we will only present choices that are in their best interest. This builds a foundation of trust that becomes invaluable as they reach those tricky teenage years, especially when discussing safe choices at parties.
While I don’t have hard data to support this theory, I believe helping our children feel empowered to make safe choices now will equip them with skills that last into adulthood. Of course, this empowered choice-making must take place in an environment filled with love, support, and the occasional Lego-building session.
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In summary, by avoiding the question “Can you…” and instead offering choices, we foster an environment of cooperation and autonomy that benefits everyone in our family.
Keyphrase: Two words to avoid in parenting
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