As a parent, I strive to maintain a calm environment, but I often find myself struggling with the urge to raise my voice. My past experiences with anger—both as a child and an adult—have made me particularly sensitive to loud tones. It’s taken time for me to recognize that my own raised voice can be a trigger, especially when I’m trying to discipline.
My son, Lucas, is turning 5 this fall and is generally a joyful and well-behaved child. Like all kids his age, he has gone through phases of testing limits, including the occasional tantrum or physical outburst. To address these behaviors, I’ve implemented “time-ins,” which allow me to connect with him emotionally without isolating or shaming him. This approach has required a level of patience I never knew I possessed, although there are moments when my patience runs thin.
It’s important to clarify that I firmly believe in gentle discipline. I do not hit, smack, or restrain Lucas because I oppose hitting children and anyone else, for that matter. I respect his autonomy and never force him into physical affection, like hugs. Yet, there are moments when I feel compelled to raise my voice, and I find it unsettling.
When Lucas engages in unsafe behavior, like wandering toward the driveway, I calmly redirect him—until I can’t anymore. After multiple reminders, my voice might rise in volume, and while it does catch his attention, it doesn’t come without a cost to my emotional well-being.
The moment that nearly overwhelmed me occurred when Lucas struck my arm and shouted, “No!” I understand that young children often act out, and I don’t see his actions as abusive. However, I felt a wave of panic wash over me. My body reacted with a tight throat, shaky hands, and a racing heart. Even when I tried to calmly explain that hitting is not acceptable, it felt like I was pleading for him to understand, rather than guiding him as a parent should.
Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk’s book, The Body Keeps the Score, has become a crucial resource for me. It explains how trauma can leave lasting impacts, causing our nervous systems to react strongly to perceived threats. For many trauma survivors, even minor triggers can result in overwhelming emotional and physical responses. Understanding this has been empowering; it reminds me that I can work to change these responses, just as we can reshape other aspects of our health.
As I navigate parenting, I often feel the weight of my past experiences. I remind myself that Lucas is merely a child learning to navigate his own emotions and boundaries. He is not an adult testing my limits. I also recognize that my voice can be a source of power, and I must be careful how I wield it. Grounding techniques, such as focusing on my senses or practicing deep breathing, help me manage my anxiety and foster a healthier environment for both of us.
Finding community through blogs has been invaluable. In a post titled “Parenting with Trauma,” author Emma Lark shares her struggles with her daughter’s emotional responses. She notes that witnessing her child’s frustration can echo painful memories of past relationships. Similarly, in “Anxious All Over,” writer Tara Lee candidly acknowledges her fight against the impulse to react negatively in her parenting. These stories resonate deeply, highlighting the shared vulnerabilities we face as parents shaped by trauma.
Being aware of triggers is not merely about avoiding uncomfortable situations; it’s about understanding how to respond when they arise. I strive not to raise my voice, as I want to foster a relationship based on respect, not fear. The last thing I want is for Lucas to see me in a state of panic. That said, I remain open to using my voice when necessary to ensure his safety.
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In summary, parenting is a journey filled with challenges, especially when navigating the triggers of past trauma. By fostering patience and understanding, I aim to create a nurturing environment for my son while addressing my own emotional responses.
Keyphrase: parenting with trauma
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