There’s a surprising 24-year difference between my first daughter and my twin girls. Yes, you read that correctly—twenty-four years, not months! I welcomed my first child at 18, and after she left home, I thought it might be the perfect time to start anew. I had my twins at 42. (Interestingly, my eldest now has a daughter, making me a grandmother while I was still pregnant with my twins—a story for another day). I navigated parenting in the 1990s, and now I’m raising two girls in the 2010s.
When people learn about my two generations of kids, the first question they often ask (after questioning my sanity) is, “What’s the biggest difference you’ve noticed between then and now?” The answer is simple: the internet, which has effectively eroded my maternal instincts.
During my first parenting journey, I didn’t read a single parenting article or book. I relied solely on my instincts, however flawed they may have been. My mom was my only source of advice, shared with a hint of sarcasm and a Capri cigarette in hand. Her guidance might have been questionable at times, but she raised me, and I turned out alright. So, I rolled with it. Against all odds, my oldest daughter blossomed into a wonderful young woman.
Fast forward to my second go-around, and I had a revelation: “Wow, the internet is at my fingertips! So much information!” I dove in headfirst, researching everything from baby hiccups to developmental milestones even before they were born. My instincts (or maternal wisdom) would have simply suggested that the hiccups were normal or due to something I ate, but the internet led me to believe that something terrible was happening. I once found myself in tears, convinced that my babies were in grave danger, all because of a frantic search on Google.
My doctor advised me to stay off the internet, but I didn’t heed that warning. Once my twins arrived, my obsession with research only intensified. I accumulated numerous apps to track every little detail of their lives, from feeding to milestones. I quickly became paralyzed by the overwhelming amount of information, losing touch with my inner voice and second-guessing my instincts.
To be fair, the internet has its perks: I’ve connected with incredible twin moms, scored great deals on baby gear on Craigslist, and maintained a long-distance relationship with my mom. However, with constant judgment, conflicting advice, and alarming “what-if” scenarios, it’s easy to spiral into doubt and anxiety. Eventually, I had to take a step back and breathe. Here are some strategies I discovered to help reclaim my maternal instincts:
1. Tune Out the Judgment:
I hadn’t encountered the ugly side of parenting until I became an online parent. The “mommy wars” and “mom shaming” phenomena are real. Sure, judgment has always existed—just think of Great Aunt Martha who believed in letting babies cry for hours. Back then, it was easier to dismiss her comments, but today, the same judgment rings through the internet at a deafening volume. Remember, no one has all the answers; we’re all learning together.
2. Acknowledge Conflicting Advice:
There’s a plethora of conflicting advice online. Should you wear your baby all the time? Or not at all? Co-sleeping is often praised, but also criticized. Each piece of advice has its advocates and detractors. I’ve tried numerous methods; some worked, others didn’t. The key is figuring out what suits you and your family.
3. Avoid Catastrophic Thinking:
Searching for answers can sometimes lead you down a rabbit hole of worst-case scenarios. If you find yourself spiraling into paranoia over a minor issue, limit your search time, identify a couple of possibilities, and consult your pediatrician for guidance.
4. Skip the Comments Section:
This digital pitfall is where judgment and misinformation thrive in vivid colors. I’ve wasted countless hours in the comments section, only to emerge feeling confused and angry. Avoid it at all costs—trust me on this one.
5. Trust Your Instincts:
While it’s easy to doubt yourself, your intuition is invaluable. When in doubt, reach out to your trusted support network, whether online or offline. Your instincts are still there, even if they feel buried.
These days, I still look things up online—my recent search history includes “easy crafts for toddlers.” However, I’ve learned to take online advice with a grain of salt. More often than not, I lean on my instincts. And occasionally, I reach out to my mom for her wisdom. Even after all these years, she’s still my go-to for advice, telling me, “Honey, they’re just going through a phase. They’ll grow out of it. Trust your instincts.” It’s not always the most practical advice, but it reassures me, reminding me that love guides our parenting.
In summary, navigating parenthood with a significant age gap has its challenges, especially with the overwhelming influence of the internet. While it can provide valuable information, it often leads to self-doubt. Finding balance, trusting your instincts, and ignoring judgment can help you become the confident parent you aspire to be.
Keyphrase: Parenting with a 24-Year Gap
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