What I never anticipated about parenthood was how much my children would mirror both the admirable and the less-than-stellar aspects of myself and my partner. During those challenging moments, I often find they amplify certain traits I’ve discovered in therapy—traits that are sometimes charming and other times, less so.
Despite the tantrums and stubbornness that can accompany raising headstrong kids, I remind myself that these very qualities often lead to resilience and independence in adulthood. My hope is that my investment in their growth will one day yield the reward of not having them living in my basement!
The most exhausting days often fade away, replaced by the joy of shared laughter, heartfelt notes found in backpacks, and art projects lovingly crafted with clay and mismatched cups. It’s like a balancing act that helps parents endure while allowing children to grow.
In my 7-year-old daughter, I see both grit and determination. Just recently, when her building set was missing over 40 pieces, she stood at a pivotal moment. Rather than succumbing to frustration and tears over her project, she adapted by raiding her brother’s stash of spare parts and even wrote to the company for replacements—which they acknowledged! I can easily envision her as a corporate leader, tackling challenges head-on. She’s truly inspiring.
However, this adaptability comes with its own challenges. I notice her tendency to prioritize others’ feelings over her own, often leading to the overuse of two little words that echo throughout our house: “I’m sorry.”
This morning, while we baked muffins, she apologized for a lopsided cup. When a fitted sheet popped off during bed-making, she offered another “I’m sorry.” When her brothers made a mess, she quickly followed up with yet another apology. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Let me clarify: I absolutely want my children to be polite and kind. But the constant need for her to apologize for things she didn’t do, or for simply existing, is a behavior I find troubling. My sons don’t do this, nor does their father. Sadly, she picked it up from me.
I first noticed her frequent apologies around age 4. It was as if “I’m sorry” punctuated her entire speech. I would gently correct her, explaining that she shouldn’t apologize for things outside her control or unless she genuinely hurt someone. Yet, I realized one day that she was mirroring my own habitual apologies—at work, at home. Just this morning, when I asked her to check the muffins, I instinctively blurted out, “I’m sorry,” for interrupting her reading.
Why do I feel the need to apologize for asking something of her? For simply being present?
The issue of women learning to downplay themselves is not new. Sheryl Sandberg’s TED Talk shines a light on this, and I’ve studied it extensively. Recently, at a women in business conference, I listened to female cardiologists share their struggles with negotiating contracts—many faced pushback for being labeled “difficult” or “pushy.” Even in 2023, women are still pressured to be agreeable and minimize their presence, and I’m guilty of passing this mindset onto my daughter. I regret that.
The silver lining is that I am raising a thoughtful young woman who seeks harmony and is not afraid to take responsibility when warranted. However, it’s crucial that I teach her to avoid taking on blame that isn’t hers. Her intelligence, strength, and unique light are not reasons for guilt—ever. If I want her to navigate life confidently, it starts with me. I need to differentiate between owning up to genuine mistakes and simply showing empathy. No more unnecessary apologies—sorry, not sorry!
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In summary, my goal is to foster a sense of self-worth in my daughter that allows her to assert her needs without unnecessary apologies. It’s a journey of unlearning and relearning, and I’m here for it.
Keyphrase: Teaching daughters not to apologize
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