Go home, denim—you’ve officially lost it.
I hadn’t heard of Vetements until now, but it seems they’ve teamed up with Levi’s to deliver a bold new fashion statement: Bare butt jeans. That’s right—if a zipper in the front isn’t enough, these jeans come with additional zippers for your backside. One for each cheek, actually. And if you act fast, you might even snag a bonus zipper for your right cheek—because who doesn’t want to flaunt a little more skin?
I’m genuinely perplexed by this product. I want to be trendy and in-the-know, but I can’t help but wonder: Is revealing your backside the latest iteration of what was once deemed “sideboob”? I thought underboob was the new sideboob, but as it turns out, I’m clearly out of the loop. So, let’s embrace the bared backside, shall we?
Here are my best guesses as to why anyone would want these pants in the first place:
- After a Chipotle burrito, you need to let your jeans air out before they turn into a chemical hazard.
- Sitting in gum becomes a breeze—much easier to wipe off your cheek than to dig out of the fabric.
- Someone made a snarky comment about your daring jeans, and now you want to give them a reason to regret it.
- You’re just waiting for someone to point out that your zipper is down so you can reply, “Yes, and that’s the whole point! Stay woke, fashion faux-pas police!”
- When sharting happens, you want to strip away secrets—#EndShartShaming, right?
- It’s laundry day, you’re out of clean underwear, and you’re ready to embrace the full YOLO lifestyle.
- You’re lounging on a picnic blanket and want to catch some sun on your rear.
- Nature calls, and you need a hassle-free way to answer it in the woods.
These jeans also come in shorts form, of course. Imagine shorts that barely cover the lower half of your cheeks—you unzip them, and voilà! It’s like you’re wearing nothing but decorative streamers. Please, do us all a favor and avoid sitting on my couch, young trendsetters.
Maybe I’ve officially crossed into the realm of the out-of-touch. There are certainly fashion-forward influencers out there who can appreciate the newfound freedom of these daring designs. I sincerely hope they are prepared for all the attention that comes with showcasing their assets.
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In conclusion, whether you love or loathe the concept of butt-zipper jeans, one thing is clear: Fashion is always evolving in the most unexpected ways.
Keyphrase: butt-zipper jeans
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