April 12, 2017
Picture this: the warm sun warming my skin, soft sand beneath my toes, a fruity cocktail in hand—yet here I was, tears streaming down my face. After months, perhaps years, of anticipating this solo getaway, my first since becoming a mom 15 years ago, I found myself quietly sobbing behind my sunglasses while lounging in a hammock with a perfect view of the sunset.
Was it exhaustion? I had flown two flights with a lengthy layover to reach the stunning beaches of Costa Rica, and I hadn’t slept in more than 24 hours. Or maybe it was the hunger pangs from my not-so-appealing in-flight choice of kale chips and a gluten-free blueberry bar. Sitting next to an affectionate Swiss couple who seemed to have forgotten what a shower was, didn’t help either.
But perhaps these tears were a mix of joy. I was finally ticking off one of my bucket list items—learning to surf—and the thrill of it all was simply too much. Yes, exhaustion, hunger, and happiness were swirling together, but what I couldn’t quite comprehend was the wave of emotion that hit me like a freight train once I crawled out of that hammock and made it to my room. I collapsed onto the pristine white sheets of a king-sized bed that was mine for an entire week and fell apart.
After years of nurturing my three daughters, navigating the Lego-strewn chaos, and being their go-to source for advice and comfort, I was finally alone—and it felt overwhelmingly lonely.
Caught up in the excitement of my adventure, I hadn’t truly considered how it would feel to be away from my everyday life for that long. I often crave time alone. As a high-strung person, I need my alone time to recharge. I grab little snippets of quiet throughout my day—20 minutes here, an hour there—to collect my thoughts and ease my anxiety, often involving some form of exercise or list-making. These little breaks keep me going, but even my treasured annual girls’ weekend away was never enough to pull me out of “mom mode.”
Now, I had a full week away from my kids, my husband, and the daily grind, yet I was in a state of panic. This was my chance to escape the demands of motherhood, and instead, I felt miserable. My husband is more than capable of managing the kids alone, and my older daughters are mostly self-sufficient. The youngest definitely requires the most attention, but she’s at least learned to wipe her own butt and grab her own snacks. They know how to do laundry and where the grocery store is. So, what was holding me back from letting go of home?
Back when my two older girls were toddlers and I was still longing for a break, I barely had the luxury of a few hours on Saturdays while my husband took care of the kids. The fantasy of a tropical vacation where I could sleep in, read a book, and enjoy a moment without a child clinging to me felt like a distant dream. I needed that escape.
Fast forward a decade, and I was living that dream—only it was back home, amidst the delightful chaos of family life. It took a trip thousands of miles away for me to realize I no longer needed an escape from my life. Not anymore.
I didn’t miss the duties and schedules of parenting; rather, I missed my kids—their laughter, their eye rolls, the unique ways they tackle challenges, and the knowledge I possess about what each of them needs. Family life is demanding and keeping our household running requires much effort, but after all these years, I’ve finally come to terms with it. I don’t need to get away; my life is filled with chaos, fierce love, and a sprinkle of mundane routine. It is wonder-filled, and it’s worth every moment, even if it sometimes feels overwhelming.
That night, I cried myself to sleep, lulled by the sweet melodies of the playlist my youngest listens to at bedtime. I woke up the next day with puffy eyes, still missing home but ready to discover who I was beyond just being “Mom.” Turns out, I’m quite the badass surfer.
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Summary:
In a heartfelt reflection, Emily Jenkins shares her unexpected emotional journey during her first solo vacation in 15 years. Initially craving a break from motherhood, she discovers that what she truly misses are the joyful moments with her kids rather than the responsibilities of parenting. Through tears and self-discovery, she realizes that her chaotic yet love-filled life is where she truly belongs.
Keyphrase: “finding joy in motherhood”
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