I am a stay-at-home dad. This is a statement I never thought I’d find myself writing. First and foremost—wait, I have a child?! And I’m not clocking in at an office? What in the world am I doing with my time?
To give some context, my partner and I took a trip to the Dominican Republic about a year ago. Fast forward through a few cocktails and a Zika scare, and we are now the proud, albeit exhausted, parents of a beautiful four-month-old daughter.
Having observed many friends embark on the journey of parenthood over the past couple of decades, I felt reasonably prepared for what lay ahead. To bolster that confidence, we enrolled in delivery, CPR, and baby care classes. Sure, I might inadvertently hinder my child’s emotional or intellectual growth, but at least she’ll have a clean diaper and ample oxygen.
With a due date of January 2, the final trimester collided perfectly with the holiday frenzy. Life became a whirlwind of excitement and anxiety. The pressure of impending fatherhood was palpable—there were no refunds, no time-outs, and no do-overs. My daughter’s growth was evident in each sonogram as her cheeks expanded.
Then came the unexpected news from my employer: a voluntary buyout opportunity to help cut costs. The timing was surreal and, from an existential perspective, incredibly fortunate. Years of procrastination in job hunting suddenly paid off just as my daughter was set to arrive. I took the leap; I’d essentially be compensated to be a stay-at-home dad during those crucial early months.
Four months in, however, I can’t fathom handing her off to anyone else. I am fortunate to be married to someone brilliant and successful in her career. But could I really embrace the role of an unpaid stay-at-home dad? The financial aspects aren’t the core of my dilemma—at least, not yet. It’s the perception that weighs heavily on my mind. I’d like to think I’ve matured since high school, that other men’s opinions don’t affect me. Yet, the weight of traditional gender expectations looms large. Men are expected to work. Men are expected to provide.
That said, it’s 2023, and much of this gender stigma is self-imposed. Both my father and my partner’s father—traditional, masculine figures—seem to support my choice. My male friends appear unperturbed, though they can’t resist joking about my “extended vacation” funded by their taxes (which it isn’t, by the way).
I live in a progressive area, and just this week, I passed by several other stay-at-home dads while pushing a stroller through a local store. We exchanged silent nods of camaraderie, acknowledging the shared experiences of being viewed through a lens of outdated stereotypes.
So why do I feel unsettled when an old shopkeeper inquires if it’s my day off? Or when someone expresses sympathy upon learning I’m not employed anymore (it was my choice!)? Or simply when I perceive judgment from others after stating I’m a stay-at-home dad? Getting defensive is a sure sign of insecurity, but what’s the point of that?
After a long day of caring for my daughter, when my partner returns home from her demanding job, I breathe a sigh of relief. I greet her with a kiss and prepare dinner (yes, I enjoy cooking). Watching her reconnect with our baby—our dog happily joining in—makes everything feel right.
This is the most significant role I’ve taken on, and it’s clear to me now. I’ve moved beyond corporate reports and financial planning. My responsibility is to guide my daughter into a world free of my own burdens. How do I help her cultivate fearlessness, kindness, and a disregard for others’ judgments, all while ensuring she remains a good person?
She embodies half of me, although she seems to have inherited 85% of my looks. One day, she’ll carry forward my legacy. I’ll raise a compassionate, non-serial killer who will contribute positively to society.
For those who question my choices or wonder how I spend my time—be it real voices or mere figments of my imagination—please, just back off. I’m occupied.
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