As I drive with my son Alex to see a movie, just the two of us, I relish this rare opportunity for a mother-son outing. With our blended family’s other five kids occupied, we have a moment to connect. Alex turns to me and asks, “Mom, do most divorced people get along like you and Dad, or do they usually just hate each other?”
I pause, contemplating his question. “What do you think?” I reply.
“I think most divorced people don’t like each other at all,” he says, animatedly recounting stories from school where his friends act as intermediaries between their feuding parents. He shares tales of adults bickering over phone calls and children feeling anxious about custody arrangements. At just eleven years old, he’s already observing the complexities of relationships.
“Why don’t you and Dad fight like that?” he asks, a question I often hear from adults curious about my amicable relationship with my ex-husband, Tom. The expectation might be that we must have had an easy divorce, but the reality is far from that. Our separation was a painful journey filled with hurt and blame. We both felt a deep sense of loss, as if we had failed at one of life’s most crucial endeavors: building a family.
I share with Alex, “The reason we don’t fight is that we chose early on to make our divorce a singular wound.” His puzzled expression suggests I need to elaborate. I want him to grasp the significance of this decision.
“When we made the choice to end our marriage, we understood it would impact you three significantly. We knew it would be hard, but we also realized we could either hurt you once and move on to seek our happiness, or we could continue to inflict pain by fighting over every little thing. Many parents harm their children repeatedly by staying together when they should not, and even after parting ways, they continue to argue over issues like visitation schedules and expenses.”
I see that he’s listening intently.
I continue, explaining for the first time how Tom and I didn’t speak for several months after our separation—a fact he doesn’t recall. I recount the late-night arguments we had when he and his siblings were asleep, emphasizing that despite our conflicts, we agreed on one critical point: our children would not endure multiple painful experiences as a result of our divorce. That commitment was forged in therapy during the dissolution of our marriage. Even when we disagreed on nearly everything else, we stood united on this front.
“Of course, we still have disagreements. We’re different individuals, and you see that every day. Our parenting styles differ, and we approach discipline in various ways. But we both share the same priority: you. We are committed to co-parenting because it’s what’s best for you.”
“Dad and I care about you too much to let hatred fester between us,” I explain. I remind him that harboring resentment towards Tom would mean rejecting half of his essence. Allowing anger to dominate my thoughts would blur the joyful memories of our past together and the beginnings of my journey into motherhood. Embracing love rather than hatred sets a positive tone for my children’s stories.
I acknowledge my humanness; my memories of our time are not exclusively positive. I often find myself disagreeing with Tom, even while prioritizing the kids’ best interests. I am certain he experiences the same frustrations. I occasionally detect a hint of irritation in his voice when he feels I’m being overly demanding. Our history is complex, filled with emotional turmoil, but we made the conscious decision not to walk the same path together.
We chose to co-parent instead. We committed to working as a team, despite the challenges, for the sake of our children. Our focus remained on the three individuals we love most, allowing that love to guide our actions. Our aim is the same as any intact family’s: to ensure the safety and happiness of our children.
Divorce didn’t signify failure in forming a family; rather, it solidified our commitment to our children’s well-being. By choosing a cooperative parenting approach, we remain interconnected, much like many couples who stay married. For those who find the idea of peaceful co-parenting daunting, remember that it is attainable. Start small, cherish your children, and take the first step today.
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Summary:
This article discusses the importance of prioritizing children’s well-being over negative feelings towards an ex-partner after divorce. It emphasizes the choice of peaceful co-parenting, even amidst personal struggles, and highlights that love for children can unite separated parents.
Keyphrase: Parenting through Divorce
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