In a world obsessed with dieting and body image, I stumbled upon a meme that struck a chord with me. It featured a hefty man on a surfboard, with a caption that read, “When you give up on your diet and just say, ‘forget it, I’m fat.’” It could have easily been my own picture, reflecting my sentiments.
Society tells me I should feel disheartened about my weight. I should sulk while my child plays, unable to join in. I should have a revelation in the grocery store upon seeing a magazine cover showcasing a slim model and feel compelled to transform my life through exercise and dieting, ultimately becoming a beacon of inspiration for others. However, when I’m bombarded with what I “should” feel, my rebellious side emerges, and I find it hard to suppress my middle fingers.
Instead, I’ve decided to embrace being someone else’s “FATspiration.” Here’s my story of self-acceptance—or whatever you want to label it.
My Journey to Self-Awareness
My journey to self-awareness began in the third grade. I can’t pinpoint the trigger, whether it was a hurtful comment from a classmate or a remark from a relative, but that was when I first recognized my weight. As an observant child, I likely just compared myself to my peers and realized I didn’t fit the mold.
Through elementary school, I hoped I’d outgrow my size, and I did experience a brief period of being slimmer in junior high. However, I still grappled with insecurities—my stomach didn’t match the “ideal” girls in my school, leading me to experiment with fasting and fueling my inner critic.
My weight fluctuated throughout high school; I was never happy with my appearance. I resigned myself to the idea that a bikini was out of reach. Fortunately, I attended a small school where bullying was minimal, but my own harsh self-talk was relentless. By the time I graduated, I was in a relationship with my first husband and weighed 165 pounds. To cope, I engaged in a cycle of fasting and weight loss pills.
The Impact of My First Marriage
During my first marriage, my weight became an ongoing source of anxiety. I questioned why my husband was attracted to me. Despite trying various diets and workout plans, nothing seemed to stick. Eventually, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which explained my struggles. However, after a severe ankle injury left me immobile for months, my weight skyrocketed to 250 pounds by the time I divorced.
While my weight wasn’t the sole reason for my marriage ending, I placed much blame on it. I became depressed and isolated while maintaining a facade of normalcy for others. After a year of divorce, I embarked on an extreme diet, reaching a weight similar to my high school days. I received compliments and attention from men, but the underlying issues remained.
A New Perspective
Then, I met my current husband. Falling in love and becoming a parent transformed my perspective. The arrival of my daughter shifted my priorities; suddenly, my weight didn’t hold the same significance. It forced me to redefine happiness and question societal messages about it. I realized that life is filled with challenges, and I didn’t want to burden my daughter with my insecurities.
So, I stopped fixating on diets, jeans sizes, and others’ opinions. I let go of the guilt surrounding eating and the belief that my worth was tied to my size. Did my self-criticism vanish? No. Am I completely content? Not entirely. But I’ve come to understand that no one achieves perpetual happiness, regardless of their appearance. I shifted my focus to appreciating life, regardless of the number on the scale.
While I may consider weight loss in the future, it’s not my current priority. I know many view me as lazy or undisciplined, but I’ve reframed my mindset. If my presence annoys them, I take joy in that reality as I indulge in a cheeseburger.
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Conclusion
In summary, I’ve learned to embrace my body, realizing that self-worth isn’t dictated by weight. By letting go of societal pressures, I’ve found a new sense of freedom and happiness in my life.
Keyphrase: Embracing My Body
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