A friend shared her frustration on social media recently regarding individuals who refer to the sperm donor involved in her family’s conception as a “dad.” For her and her partner, the donor is just that—a donor. However, her primary grievance stemmed from the frequent question posed by others: “Who is the ‘real’ mom?” It quickly became evident that many parents from the LGBTQ+ community resonate with her frustration, as evidenced by the numerous comments on her post.
Often, these inquiries arise from a place of ignorance or curiosity. People generally do not intend to diminish the role of either parent or imply that one mother is more “real” than the other. They may not realize that asking which one is the “real” mom inadvertently emphasizes the lack of a genetic connection between the child and one of the mothers. When a child is seen with two moms, questioning who the “real” mom is can feel dismissive of the shared parenting experience.
One of the mothers may have carried the child for nine months, while the other was there for every foot rub and emotional moment during the pregnancy. Both parents are equally invested in their child’s life—changing diapers, navigating sleepless nights, and celebrating milestones. The biological connection is, frankly, irrelevant in defining motherhood.
Most LGBTQ+ families are open to discussing their unique family dynamics and would appreciate respectful inquiries about their experiences. Engaging in thoughtful conversation fosters understanding and helps break down the barriers of ignorance. However, some questions, like whether they used a “turkey baster” for insemination, are inappropriate. Just as you wouldn’t ask a heterosexual couple how they conceived in a grocery store, similar boundaries should be observed with LGBTQ+ families.
If you genuinely wish to learn more about how two women can create a family, consider prefacing your questions with a polite disclaimer: “I hope this isn’t too personal, but I’m curious about how you built your family. I haven’t met many LGBTQ+ families.” This approach allows them to share what they’re comfortable discussing, and you might even discern who the biological mother is through the conversation. Nevertheless, the underlying truth remains: the biological relationship does not change the parenting experience.
In specific circumstances, such as when medical professionals need to ascertain the biological mother for health reasons, the question can be valid. However, it’s crucial to address both mothers as “moms” and include them both in discussions regarding their child’s health. This respectful approach acknowledges their unique family structure.
Would you approach a traditional family and question the father’s role as the “real” dad? Likely not, as the dynamics of parenthood remain the same regardless of family structure. Being a “real” mom is not determined solely by who gave birth; it is about love, sacrifice, and the countless moments spent nurturing a child. Both mothers share the joys and challenges of parenthood, and they are equally devoted to their child.
As mothers, whether gay or straight, we must support one another. The struggles and triumphs of motherhood are universal, and it’s essential to recognize the hard work and love that goes into parenting, rather than creating divisions between “us” and “them.”
Regardless of whether a child comes from one of our bodies, our partner’s body, or a donor, we are both “real” moms to our beautiful child. While we don’t seek validation from others, it is disheartening to feel our roles undermined.
We understand your curiosity, and many LGBTQ+ families have navigated similar experiences with those who mean well but may not know how to ask respectfully. So, there it is—we are both real moms.
For more information on home insemination options, you can check out this link to our post on artificial insemination kits. For a deeper understanding of fertility, you might find this resource on pregnancy and home insemination helpful.
In summary, whether a child is biologically connected to one mother or both, both women embody the role of “mom.” The essence of motherhood lies in love, commitment, and shared experiences, not merely genetics.
Keyphrase: LGBTQ+ parenting dynamics
Tags: [“home insemination kit”, “home insemination syringe”, “self insemination”]