Earlier this week, I dedicated nearly three hours to the challenging process of consolidating my student loans. To my surprise, it turned out better than I had anticipated: the customer service representative was friendly and accommodating, and the application went off without a hitch. However, once it was all over, I found myself grappling with a mix of relief and a profound sense of despair.
Fast forward to the present day: it’s 2023, a decade since I completed my college education, and I am still burdened with $20,000 in student loans. While part of this debt stems from obtaining my master’s degree, I was fortunate enough to have most of my graduate expenses covered by my partner’s employer benefits. Nevertheless, the weight of this financial obligation is overwhelming.
What weighs even heavier is the guilt that accompanies my role as a stay-at-home mom. I can’t help but feel inadequate for not contributing financially to ease this burden. My partner, Ethan, is a remarkable and selfless provider. When I expressed my guilt after the loan consolidation, he reassured me, saying, “I’ve always supported you, and I will continue to do so.” His words deepened my gratitude while amplifying my guilt about relying on him to finance degrees that I am no longer utilizing.
Throughout my academic journey, I tirelessly pursued scholarships to fund my private education. I worked for a year after high school to save money, passed several CLEP exams, maintained high grades to secure the Honor’s scholarship, and even became a resident assistant to earn room and board. Despite my efforts, I still had to take out loans.
At a young age, I fell in love and married, and shortly after, I was unexpectedly pregnant with twins during my graduation. I had envisioned a career in teaching, and just 15 months postpartum, I enrolled in grad school, ultimately earning my MA with a 3.9 GPA in two years. Despite working as an adjunct for over five years, the demands of motherhood led me to resign last year, as the stress was overwhelming.
Society often promotes the notion that women can achieve anything, yet every decision we make carries weighty consequences. Reflecting on the last decade, I often ponder whether my choices were truly worthwhile. I have consistently made my loan payments and have no intention of seeking government loan forgiveness for degrees I consciously pursued.
Yet, the questions linger: Am I valuable? Do my degrees hold any worth now that I’m a stay-at-home mom? And in requiring my partner to shoulder my financial burdens, have I compromised his well-being? When guilt threatens to morph into regret, I recall my grandmother’s wise words from my childhood: “Being a mom is wonderful, but always get an education. A woman must have the means to support herself because life is unpredictable. No one can take your education away.”
This wisdom resonates with me even now as the weight of my student loan debt looms large. I am coming to terms with my decisions: the choice of university, the loans, marrying young, embracing motherhood, and prioritizing my family over career ambitions. I recognize that not everyone has the luxury of choice, and I am grateful for the privileges in my life.
However, the complexity of these choices can be both financially and emotionally overwhelming. I often find myself wishing I had made different decisions, but wishing does not change my responsibilities. One truth remains: I do not regret my education. It holds value beyond financial gain; it affirms my worth as an individual.
I think about my son, who faces challenges with autism, ADHD, and learning disabilities. My advocacy for his education stems not from his future earning potential, but from the belief that investing in individuals is fundamentally good and worthwhile. Education enriches a person; it never detracts from their value. Although my debts still require a significant portion of my partner’s income each month (I am eternally grateful for him), the knowledge I gained through my education is mine forever. It was a valuable investment, and someday, I hope to utilize it to give back to the community and settle these lingering student loans.
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In summary, being a stay-at-home mom with significant student loan debt presents unique challenges and emotions. While I grapple with guilt and the value of my education, I remain committed to my family and proud of the choices I have made. My education, though it comes with a financial burden, is a part of who I am and a valuable asset that I hope to utilize in the future.
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