By: Emily Johnson
I have a candid admission that may draw some judgment: I find being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) to be quite challenging. Looking back, I can’t quite recall what my expectations were six years ago when my son was born. At that time, I was working as a speech therapist, primarily with elderly patients in nursing homes. I assured them I’d return after my maternity leave, but deep down, I had my doubts.
When my son was just three months old, I felt overwhelmed, unsure of how to care for him, let alone how to prepare another caregiver for my absence. Consequently, I resigned, planning to rejoin the workforce when he turned one. However, life had other plans, and when my son was nine months old, I discovered I was expecting my daughter. It seemed impractical to return to work for just a few months, so I decided to give my daughter the same year I had dedicated to my son.
Fast forward to my daughter’s first birthday, and it became evident that my son was facing challenges that set him apart from other children. His undiagnosed ADHD and sensory processing disorder made every day a whirlwind of danger. I found it nearly impossible to take my eyes off him, as he was constantly getting into precarious situations. I became his sole protector, and the idea of leaving him in someone else’s care was daunting.
As my son continued to grow, his dangerous tendencies persisted, leaving me feeling that only I could adequately watch over him. If he misbehaved at the park, it was my responsibility to intervene. I felt overwhelmed managing two toddlers and questioned whether I could ask anyone else to take on that task. Perhaps I was also subconsciously avoiding the anxiety of returning to work after being away for so long.
Last year, when my son entered kindergarten, life became slightly more manageable. However, my years of dissatisfaction had made the thought of returning to a job that I didn’t love seem unbearable. I had always dreamed of becoming a mother—there was never any doubt about that—but I eventually realized that being a stay-at-home mom was not my calling. It took me six long years to come to terms with this realization. I believed that parenthood was meant to be fulfilling, and while I loved my children dearly, my day-to-day experiences as a SAHM failed to ignite the passion I sought.
With some financial adjustments, we hired a babysitter, and for the first time in six years, I had a support system. Over the past few months, my well-being improved significantly, largely because I could engage in activities beyond childrearing. Recently, I decided to pursue a lifelong aspiration by applying to graduate programs in mental health counseling. Tomorrow marks the beginning of this exciting new chapter, and I couldn’t be more enthusiastic.
Of course, as fate would have it, my babysitter is on vacation for two weeks while I start school. Thankfully, my mother will help care for my kids while I attend class. During our conversation, she asked about my schedule. “Are you getting home first or is Tom?” she inquired.
“No, I won’t be back until around 9:30 PM. I have a board meeting at the organization where I volunteer right after class.”
“Oh, how are the kids handling this, Emily?” she asked, her tone suggesting disapproval.
“They’re going to be just fine. They want me to be happy, and staying home all day didn’t provide that happiness. They’ve had my undivided attention for six years; now it’s time for me to focus on my aspirations.”
Her immediate change of subject indicated that she didn’t agree but wasn’t interested in further debate. In her eyes, the primary role of a mother is to stay at home, regardless of her happiness. According to her, children are a mother’s greatest joy, so why wasn’t I content?
I see it differently. I’ve dedicated myself to my kids and will continue to do so every day. I love them so deeply that I initially put my own needs aside for their well-being. However, after several years, I realized I was merely existing—not thriving. I wasn’t present and certainly wasn’t providing the nurturing environment they deserved.
I struggle with guilt while admitting this, fearing it makes me a bad mother. I want to spend some of my days pursuing interests that stimulate my mind. I believe this is essential for my happiness, which ultimately will make me a better parent. While my love for my children is undeniable, I find that joy multiplies when I engage in fulfilling activities outside of parenting.
Tomorrow, I embark on a journey that prioritizes my aspirations, and I anticipate that many may question my decision. They might wonder why, if I wasn’t prepared for motherhood, I chose to have children in the first place. I acknowledge the selfishness of this choice, but I also understand that pursuing my happiness is crucial. I remain fully committed to my role as their mother and will be here for them whenever they need me. The difference now is that I will no longer harbor resentment.
In summary, my experience as a stay-at-home mom revealed to me that fulfillment comes from both personal and parental pursuits. As I start this new chapter in my education, I remain dedicated to ensuring my children feel loved and cared for, all while pursuing my dreams.
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