The process begins with the familiar prick of a needle, the sterile scent of latex gloves, and the sight of my own blood flowing into tubes. These samples will be sent off for analysis, and my results will be meticulously recorded in my medical file. Then, my oncologist will review the findings to determine if cancer has returned.
Every six months, this cycle repeats. Each time, I feel adrift like a sailboat without wind, surrounded by vast, unforgiving waters. It’s a bit unnerving to confess how challenging these check-ins can be for me. While I know I’ve made significant strides in the two years since my diagnosis—feeling stronger, braver, and even enjoying the return of my hair—I also find myself feeling more fragile than ever. I’ve become acutely aware of how precarious life can be, just one phone call away from upheaval.
As my appointments approach, the positive energy I cultivated begins to wane, overtaken by fear. I struggle against it, but the what-ifs loom large. I’ve felt the real agony of chemotherapy coursing through my veins and still remember my children’s confused faces asking, “Why can’t Mommy come too?” It feels like just yesterday.
These memories often replay in my mind, causing me to feel breathless. The relentless thought of, “What if my cancer is back?” echoes endlessly, stealing away my joy. Anxiety grips me, and fear becomes my unwelcome companion.
I recognize how irrational it is to obsess over what might never happen. I know that worrying is futile, robbing me of the joy present in my life. I often share this wisdom with friends and family. Yet, as I sit in the waiting area, holding my husband’s hand and surrounded by others suffering, I can’t help but feel anxiety creep in. My knee bounces nervously as I wonder why the doctor is delayed. Are they discussing my results? Is it bad enough that they need a moment to prepare for the conversation?
It sounds irrational, and typing it feels uncomfortable, yet it is my reality. Thankfully, these feelings are not constant; I am mostly free from such burdensome thoughts. However, when anxiety strikes, I feel small and overwhelmed.
My oncologist and the nurse practitioner suggest that I might be experiencing PTSD. They’ve recommended counseling to help me navigate the stress accompanying these six-month check-ups. I intend to seek that support, albeit reluctantly, as it means returning to the place that triggers my unease.
“Your blood work is perfect. You can breathe,” the nurse practitioner reassures me, holding my hand as she hands me the counselor’s brochure. I exhale deeply, allowing the relief to wash over me. I’m okay. I’m okay. And I take a moment to silently pray for those in the next room, down the hall, or even at another hospital, who are facing the news we all dread: “It appears your cancer has returned.” I pray for them and for everyone grappling with the weight of cancer.
For now, I am okay. I feel grateful and blessed.
Strangely, I can’t help but draw a parallel between my cancer experience and a recent kitchen renovation. At first, it feels chaotic and overwhelming, like everything is falling apart. Yet, if you persevere through the mess, you may find yourself transformed and even more appreciative of the simpler moments, such as watching your partner prepare a turkey for Thanksgiving.
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Summary:
Navigating the anxiety of post-cancer check-ups can be a daunting task, but it’s essential to recognize the strength gained through adversity. While fear can overshadow positivity, seeking support and focusing on the present can help reclaim joy. The journey of healing, whether through cancer recovery or personal transformations like home renovations, teaches us to cherish the moments and appreciate life’s blessings.
Keyphrase: overcoming cancer anxiety
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