In exploring my values during therapy, I’ve uncovered a pattern of “not” statements that have shaped my life. When asked what I seek in my career, my response was, “To not be unemployed.” When reflecting on my spirituality, I stated, “To not face damnation.” And when considering my role as a parent and partner, I lamented, “To not be like my father.”
My relationship with my father was fraught with challenges. He abandoned my mother when I was just nine years old, and after several marriages, he succumbed to his addictions shortly after his fourth divorce. I often used my earnings from working at a pizza shop to bail him out of jail, as if he were perpetually establishing new families like a franchise.
The divorce of my parents was tumultuous, leading to a life marked by constant relocation and forced allegiance—something I never desired for my children. I refuse to let my children endure the emotional turmoil of new maternal figures and half-siblings every few years, nor will I allow them to gather bail money for me.
My therapist pointed out that a reliance on “not statements” highlights underlying anxiety; it reflects a focus on avoidance rather than aspiration. She encouraged me to identify what I truly want to achieve. It’s a daunting task for anyone raised in a broken household. For years, I channeled my energy into ensuring I would not replicate my father’s mistakes. He drank excessively, so I chose sobriety. He never attended college, prompting me to pursue higher education. His frequent divorces solidified my determination to remain committed to my wife.
This commitment has not been a burden. I firmly believe that divorce is not an option for my family, motivated by my father’s habit of abandoning relationships at the first sign of difficulty. I am dedicated to overcoming challenges in my marriage, striving to emerge stronger.
This introspection has led me to a pivotal question: Is avoiding my father’s mistakes equivalent to excelling as a father? This is a vital inquiry for anyone from a fractured family background. Acknowledging the desire to surpass the lack of dedication exhibited by one’s parents can feel daunting, especially when the baseline is set rather low.
The journey of self-reflection has shifted my focus toward the future. Every parent must eventually transition from assessing how far they have distanced themselves from poor role models to evaluating the type of parent they aspire to be. This transformation embodies breaking the cycle.
The crux of my values as a father centers on the love I wish to convey to my children. I want them to feel unquestionably loved and secure. It is imperative they witness a healthy marriage modeled through my actions. I aim to demonstrate love as a verb, whether it’s through romantic gestures like taking their mother out on dates or simply through our daily interactions. I want them to see how we navigate frustrations, calm down, and try again. I wish for them to observe my commitment to work, understanding that love encompasses practical responsibilities. They should hear me express gratitude and well-wishes during family meals.
It has taken me until my 30s to focus on the kind of father I want to be, rather than who I seek to avoid being. I believe that guiding my children to envision their aspirations, rather than fixating on what to evade, will be a significant advancement for them.
Ultimately, while I cannot dictate my children’s futures, I can offer a compelling example of positive parenting. By demonstrating what a good father looks like, I hope to provide them with a legacy far richer than the one my father left me.
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In summary, the journey toward becoming a good parent is rooted in self-reflection and determination to foster positive values and behaviors.
Keyphrase: Understanding Good Parenting
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