Recently, I engaged in a thought-provoking conversation with some fellow parents whose children are preparing to head to college this fall. We discussed topics such as the emotional challenges of an empty nest, the stress of choosing a major, and the daunting financial responsibilities involved. As I’m still a few years away from sending my eldest off to college, these discussions have been quite illuminating.
One friend mentioned that her child will enter college as an undecided major, which honestly left me a bit taken aback. Reflecting on my own experience at 18, I can’t fathom telling my parents, “I’m not sure what I want to do… I’ll figure it out in my comfy dorm room.” I had a clear goal of becoming a nurse, which made my decision easier, especially knowing my parents had two more kids to support through college. I focused on completing my degree on time because I understood it was about more than just myself.
While I can’t imagine the anxiety I’ll feel when we drop our son off at his dorm for the first time, I’ve come to grips with the financial implications of funding his education. Our daughter will follow him a few years later. Essentially, we could opt to purchase a new Tesla every year for eight years or invest in two college degrees. I’d prefer the Teslas, but as a responsible adult, I’ll choose to prioritize my kids’ education.
My husband and I established college savings accounts almost immediately after our children entered the world. We decided early on that we would cover their higher education costs. Both of our families assisted us during our college years, and we agreed that we would do the same for our kids if we could. Alongside our monthly savings, we’ve also invested any monetary gifts our children have received since birth. Thankfully, due to our financial planning, their college funds are growing steadily.
However, while we are willing to shoulder the financial burden of their college education, there’s a crucial condition: they must have a clear plan for their futures before I release any funds. I refuse to pay for my child to spend four years “finding himself” amidst frat parties and ski trips. My husband and I have worked diligently to save over the past 13 years, and I won’t let a wishy-washy teenager squander that investment.
When I share my views with friends, they chuckle, likening me to the overly involved father in the film Some Kind of Wonderful. In the movie, the dad meticulously outlines his son’s college plans, much to the chagrin of his creative child. The father pushes for a degree, reflecting on his own missed opportunities, only to see his son use the college fund for diamond earrings and a date instead. The son gets the girl, leaving the father to ponder where he went wrong.
But I’m not that father. I’m not imposing a specific career upon my children or living through them vicariously. What I’m asserting is that while I may have the financial means to support my child’s education, I won’t allow him to waste that opportunity. I’m more than willing to assist him in achieving his goals, but he needs to have a clear vision of his path.
Many young people today are given too much freedom to “find themselves” without being held to higher standards. Parents have become less demanding, contributing to the rise of an entitled generation. My children are not entitled to my financial support any more than I’m entitled to dictate their career choices. It’s essential for both parents and kids to collaborate, ensuring that the outcome is a meaningful education that translates well into the real world.
As college approaches, we will help our children “find themselves” long before they start using our hard-earned savings. We’ll engage in ongoing discussions about their aspirations, potential living locations, and what truly brings them joy. I’ll take them on college tours and share stories from my own college days.
And as I assist him in unpacking his belongings in that tiny dorm room with a hefty price tag, I’ll try to hold back tears—mostly because I’ll miss him, not because I’m lamenting the lost opportunity for a Tesla.
This article originally appeared on November 24, 2016.