Today, I completely lost my cool with my 4-year-old son—my delightful little boy who spends his days showering me with affection and expressing his love, who can’t bear to let me harm even the tiniest bug, who crafts colorful portraits of me using highlighter pens, and who matter-of-factly declares that “blue” is his favorite color.
He had been battling a severe cold for two days and woke up at 5 AM, struggling to breathe due to nasal congestion. By noon, it was clear he needed a nap, and I desperately required him to sleep so I could tackle some pressing work. My partner had been working late all week, and sleep had eluded me for days. I was irritable, and so was he. Sleep was essential.
Naturally, he resisted. He fought back with every ounce of energy he had left, mucus streaming from his nose with each protest. I attempted to soothe him with hushes, stories, and gentle rocking in my arms, but sleep eluded us.
In a moment of frustration, I snapped. I raised my voice, uttered some harsh words, and placed him down onto the bed with more force than intended, a wave of anger surging through me.
Typically, I maintain a calm demeanor. I occasionally become upset, and my voice may rise, but I generally manage my anger well. I understand that no parent is perfect. However, I despise witnessing a parent lose their temper in front of their children. That was something I often observed during my childhood, and I vowed never to do the same with my children. Seeing another parent lash out makes me feel physically ill. Yet, here I was, that parent.
My son immediately began to cry, trembling as he sobbed, “I’m sorry, Mommy. I’m so sorry.” He buried his head in my shoulder, and I was struck by his unwavering trust in me, even in that moment of distress. That realization only deepened my guilt. I felt a terrible mix of residual anger and profound guilt for having lashed out at my child.
I offered heartfelt apologies, and he graciously accepted, soon drifting off to sleep against me. As he lay limp in my arms, I released a deep sigh. All the anger and frustration evaporated, leaving behind only sadness and shame. I wept into his hair, whispering, “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so, so sorry.”
Even hours later, I couldn’t shake the feeling of having done something unforgivable, despite my attempts to rationalize the situation.
Why do we, as parents, inflict such harsh self-judgment? There are parents who genuinely deserve to feel guilt and shame for their treatment of their children. Emotional or physical violence is a serious matter that should never be taken lightly. Even in the absence of abuse, it’s crucial to cultivate a peaceful home environment and practice self-care to prevent projecting frustration and anger onto our children. I firmly believe children can sense this energy and absorb it into their sensitive little hearts. We must strive to be gentle with them whenever possible.
Yet, I also maintain that we often hold ourselves to an unrealistic standard. Embracing gentle or mindful parenting does not equate to achieving perfection. We will all have moments of failure in our parenting journey; it’s simply part of the experience.
Here’s the truth: If you find yourself contemplating these matters, if you actively strive to treat your children with kindness and recognize their big, fragile feelings, then you’re already doing significantly better than many. It’s not about one challenging afternoon in your life; it’s about the broader picture and the foundation of trust you’ve established with your children.
Once that trust is built, it’s remarkably resilient. Your children will forgive you with such ease that you’ll be amazed by their capacity for compassion. You will feel fortunate to be raising such kind-hearted individuals.
So, here’s my advice: If you ever lose your temper with your kids (and you undoubtedly will), take a deep breath, apologize sincerely, accept your child’s forgiveness, and move forward. You have far more important things to focus on than dwelling in self-reproach. You have wonderful, incredible young souls to nurture.
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Summary:
Losing your temper as a parent is a common occurrence, and while it can lead to feelings of guilt and shame, it’s essential to remember that forgiveness is vital. Parents are not perfect, and striving for mindfulness while acknowledging that mistakes will happen is crucial. Building a foundation of trust with your children allows for healing and forgiveness, ensuring that they understand your love despite occasional outbursts.
Keyphrase: Forgiving ourselves as parents
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