Sept. 4, 2016
Photo by Blackregis / Shutterstock
Ah, here we are again. The summer days are fading, back-to-school chaos is upon us, and the most dreaded annual event has arrived: fantasy football season. For the next 17 weeks, our home will be in a state of suspended animation, where real-life responsibilities, home improvements, and family time take a backseat until February.
Can someone please explain the allure of fantasy football? I genuinely don’t get it. To me, it’s one of the silliest pastimes I’ve ever encountered. First off, it’s not even real. I can’t fathom how someone can invest so much time, energy, and money agonizing over an imaginary roster they’ve constructed.
These so-called “leagues” consist of a bunch of beer-bellied dudes in their basements who believe they could manage a professional sports team better than the experts. They gather, eat, drink, and indulge in their childhood fantasies of being a real football player. It’s akin to the enthusiasts of Dungeons & Dragons, but instead of wizards and elves, they use actual football players. I would argue it’s just as nerdy.
I’m married to a devoted fantasy football enthusiast. He invests countless hours analyzing player stats and strategizing for the upcoming season. The entire summer is consumed with “research” for his team, all for a chance to win a maximum of $200 at the end of it. Seriously? All that time could have been spent with family or tackling home projects instead of being glued to a screen.
As the all-important draft approached just weeks ago, my husband was in full research mode. ESPN played on repeat (when it wasn’t Disney Channel), and he dedicated every spare moment to analyzing stats and planning his dream team. His commitment is impressive—if only it could be channeled into real-world tasks.
And these so-called fantasy football experts…are they really experts? I can’t stand all the self-proclaimed “authorities” on sports talk shows who endlessly chatter about stats and predictions. What qualifies them as experts? Do they have a crystal ball? How can anyone be an expert in something so fictitious? They offer obnoxious advice as if fantasy football is a game of high intellect, when in reality, it’s unpredictable and can change week to week. Your guess is just as good as mine.
Before we tied the knot, I had no inkling that I’d be sharing my husband with fantasy football for half the week during the season. I knew he liked the sport, but I underestimated its impact on our lives. I learned that the timing of our child’s birth, family vacations, and even church activities could be dictated by draft dates and game schedules.
Once, he won a league and brought home a grand $200. I thought, “Finally! Some reward for all the eye-rolling I’ve done.” However, that cash became our dog’s chew toy when he left it on the coffee table. Our Jack Russell, Max, devoured and shredded the entire wad of cash! My first thought? Even the dog disapproves of fantasy football! But then I realized I wasn’t going to let that dog keep my money.
So, in a moment of desperation, I induced vomiting in the dog with peroxide (after confirming the right dosage with the vet). In the middle of the bathroom floor, Max regurgitated the money. It was a messy process, but we managed to piece it back together like a giant, expensive puzzle and deposited it weeks later. Not even dog vomit could keep me from that cash!
The most amusing story happened nearly three years ago when I was pregnant with our third child, whose due date coincided with the football draft. What a nightmare that turned out to be! Thankfully, in 2013, he could remotely participate in the draft from the hospital room. Our daughter was born just hours before the draft kicked off, and while I was exhausted and just wanted some quiet time with our newborn, he was busy drafting his fantasy team. I remember the incessant clicking of his mouse as I lay in bed, trying to recover. Surprising that we’re still married!
To sum it up, gentlemen, while it’s fine to enjoy your fantasy leagues, take a moment to evaluate how it affects your relationships and real-life priorities.
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Keyphrase: fantasy football season disruption
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