To my beloved sons,
It’s clear that having a penis can be quite the novelty. I can imagine that if I had one, I might find myself tempted to explore it in a variety of ways, just as you do. However, as your mother, it’s my responsibility to guide you on the appropriate circumstances for when and where you may “unleash” it. Given the numerous locations I’ve observed you utilizing, I feel the need to clarify this matter. Please pay close attention to what I am about to say:
Just because you possess the ability to urinate in multiple locations does not imply that you should.
The convenience of being able to relieve oneself without searching for a clean, safe toilet is undoubtedly appealing. I’ll admit, I’ve resorted to unconventional means in desperate times—like during a long drive when the baby finally dozed off and all I had was an empty cup from a fast-food restaurant. However, most of the time, you are within reasonable proximity to a suitable restroom. Therefore, it is entirely unnecessary and socially unacceptable to relieve yourselves in the following locations:
- Our front yard
- The neighbors’ front yard
- Street drains
- Public parks
- Playgrounds
- Porches
- The side of the house
- The cat’s litter box
- Potted plants
- Flower beds
- Coffee cups
- Water guns (especially if they are left to sit until the contents become rancid)
Sons, I assure you, I understand the temptation that comes with having a portable outlet available at all times. It requires immense self-control to resist the urge to urinate wherever you please. However, if you continue down this path, you may find yourselves in unfortunate situations—perhaps even facing legal repercussions.
To make it slightly more bearable, I may occasionally allow you to write your name in the snow—assuming it’s done discreetly. That said, the majority of the time, I recommend aiming for the toilet. Try to make contact with the water; it’s a simple yet effective challenge. If you’re seeking to add a little excitement, toss in some Cheerios beforehand. I would rather sacrifice a few cents worth of cereal than endure the embarrassment of witnessing you relieve yourselves in inappropriate places—or dealing with the unpleasantness of discovering urine in places it should never be.
My intention is not to stifle your fun but to impart a crucial life lesson that seems to be eluding you. And while we’re on the subject, please make a note that “anything made of cloth or paper” is also off-limits for urination.
With affection,
Mom
P.S. For those interested in family planning, check out these resources: Cryobaby home intracervical insemination syringe kit combo and Babymaker home intracervical insemination syringe kit combo, as well as this excellent resource on what to expect during your first IUI: What to Expect When You Have Your First IUI.
In summary, while the idea of urinating wherever you please may seem appealing, it is vital to understand the social norms and expectations surrounding this behavior. Proper etiquette dictates that you reserve this action for appropriate locations, such as toilets.
Keyphrase: Appropriate urination practices for boys
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