If someone had told me just four months ago that I would be reflecting on my daughter’s autism today, I would have dismissed it outright. Back then, I simply couldn’t recognize it.
Even when her developmental pediatrician highlighted the signs during our visit, I remained in denial. As he recorded his observations and observed her play, I felt myself retreat into a fog. When he concluded that he believed my daughter was on the spectrum, a wave of numbness washed over me. The room grew silent, and all I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears.
During his assessment, I felt a growing frustration towards him as he pointed out the ways in which she struggled. He noted her lack of eye contact, her tendency to crash toy cars and topple block towers without replicating them, and her ability to identify shapes and colors but not follow simple directions. Although she communicated by repeating phrases, she couldn’t respond to basic yes or no questions. She lacked the ability to engage in back-and-forth conversations and never initiated questions or used pronouns. Her hand-flapping and erratic movements were also concerning.
What troubled me most about this diagnosis wasn’t the prospect of 15 hours of early intervention therapy, the daunting paperwork for her IEP, or the uncertainty of her future. It was the realization that all the traits I cherished about her—what I believed made her unique and beautiful—were now being framed as symptoms of a disorder.
The pediatrician didn’t see her the way I did. He overlooked the fact that while she couldn’t replicate his simple block structure, she was capable of constructing intricate and imaginative Duplo cities that surpassed anything I could envision. He missed how, despite her frustration, she possessed a spirited nature that I admired. Unlike me, who struggled with shyness as a child, she might not introduce herself to peers verbally, but the joy on her face when she approached them non-verbally, hopping and squealing with excitement, was contagious. She lives in her own world, blissfully unaware of how differently she interacts with others—some children are afraid of her, some are curious, and others willingly join in her play.
While she may not often make eye contact, when she does, her entire face lights up, and her laughter is as if she has just discovered the funniest joke. I love how she reaches for my face, pulling me into her world with her tiny hands, radiating joy and connection in those moments.
Initially, I resisted accepting her autism diagnosis. I loathed the idea of confining her uniqueness to a label. It wasn’t until three days later, while standing in line at a craft store to gather supplies for her tutu skirt for her upcoming birthday party, that I began to grasp the necessity of this diagnosis. Suddenly, she spiraled into a meltdown, seemingly out of nowhere. I held her tightly as she kicked, hit, and attempted to throw herself to the ground. Feeling helpless and panicked, I could only wait for the storm to pass while tears brimmed in my eyes, aware of the stares from fellow shoppers.
Coming to terms with her diagnosis has been a lengthy journey. I realize we have much to learn about being her advocates and navigating this new reality. I often find myself scrutinizing her behavior, questioning what is typical toddler behavior and what stems from her autism.
However, the more I analyze, the less it seems to matter. The diagnosis is crucial for us to learn how to equip her with the tools she needs to thrive, allowing her to forge the life she envisions for herself—just like any parent hopes for their child, regardless of whether they are on the spectrum. While the future remains uncertain, I am confident she will create the life she desires, as she is much more than a collection of symptoms, and no diagnosis can change her essence.
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Summary
This narrative explores the emotional journey of a mother coming to terms with her daughter’s autism diagnosis. Initially dismissive of the signs, she grapples with the implications of the diagnosis on her perception of her daughter’s uniqueness and her future. As she navigates early intervention and the complexities of autism, she learns to embrace the diagnosis as a means to provide her daughter with the tools for success while recognizing her individuality beyond the label.
Keyphrase: autism diagnosis acceptance
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