When my younger child was in their toddler years, their go-to phrase was “Me-Me-Me.” Whenever my partner or I tried to assist with putting on shoes, eating oatmeal, or buckling into the car seat, they would push us away, insisting, “Me-Me-Me.” This was their version of “I’ve got this; please step aside.”
While their desire for autonomy was understandable and even charming at times, it could also be incredibly frustrating. There were tears, tantrums, and sulking—anything to avoid receiving a bit of assistance. In the toddler universe, independence reigns supreme.
This fixation on self-sufficiency extends beyond toddlers; many individuals view independence as a commendable trait. We pride ourselves on being a society of go-getters and achievers. The narrative of pulling oneself up by the bootstraps is woven into the very fabric of the American Dream, where independence, freedom, and self-direction are celebrated.
However, this emphasis on independence can be detrimental. Recently, while speaking with a friend navigating the chaotic world of parenting, I offered my assistance. I encouraged her to reach out for help and reminded her that she wasn’t alone in her struggles. “I know,” she responded, “but I feel like I should be able to manage this by myself.” In essence, she was echoing the “Me-Me-Me” mentality while exhausting herself in the process.
I’ve been there, and I still find myself in that mindset at times. I take pride in being a self-sufficient individual, reluctant to ask for help. Yet, what many parents, including myself, often overlook is that independence and support can coexist. Being self-reliant does not equate to being solitary, and autonomy does not preclude community.
Parenting was never intended to prioritize independence at the cost of mutual support. We aren’t meant to endure the struggles alone, especially during those days when it feels like every ounce of strength is required just to avoid shouting, “I can’t take this anymore!”
The saying “it takes a village” may have become a cliché, but its truth remains significant. Historically, parenting was a communal effort. Neighbors looked out for each other, sharing responsibilities and providing support. If someone had an appointment or was simply overwhelmed, they could call up a friend, saying, “I’m having a rough day! Could you watch my kids for a bit?”
In return, that friend would likely respond with understanding and an offer of assistance, perhaps even joking about their own parenting struggles. There was no judgment or shame; just a network of support where everyone had each other’s backs.
Somewhere along the line, a societal expectation emerged that parenting must be done independently. Parents, whether single or partnered, are often expected to manage their problems privately and take care of their own. This is reflected in public policies, with the United States being one of the few developed nations that does not provide paid parental leave or subsidized childcare. This expectation also manifests in societal attitudes, where parents struggling to cope are often met with disdain rather than compassion.
Parenting is undeniably challenging. Our fixation on self-sufficiency is taking a toll on our happiness and well-being. There are no accolades for “doing it all alone,” nor is there any reward for enduring hardship without seeking help.
So, what if we abandoned the “Me-Me-Me” approach and embraced a “We’ve Got Each Other’s Backs” philosophy instead? Eventually, my child outgrew their self-centered phase. They learned that while they could accomplish tasks independently, accepting help was perfectly okay, leading to greater happiness for all involved.
If only more parents could adopt this mindset. For those interested in exploring family dynamics further, consider reading about home insemination options, which can be found in one of our other blog posts at Make a Mom. Another valuable resource is Healthline for information on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, the narrative around independence in parenting needs to shift. By fostering a supportive community, we can alleviate the burdens of parenting and create a more fulfilling experience for everyone involved.
Keyphrase: parent support and independence
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