In 1963, Helen Andelin published Fascinating Womanhood, a book derived from earlier pamphlets from the 1920s and ’30s. This work has sold over two million copies and has become a touchstone in discussions about women’s roles, often sparking debates within feminist circles. The book contains a well-known list of dos and don’ts for women, which frequently appears in online discourse and academic settings. While some may view this list as helpful advice, I cannot agree. It promotes a view of marriage rooted in male superiority rather than partnership. Moreover, I believe some of these points are equally insulting to men. Therefore, I will address each guideline from a modern husband’s standpoint.
The Don’ts
Don’t attempt to change him.
Absolutely, you should! Marriage is about growth and transformation. Partners should encourage each other’s development and help navigate personal challenges. If you expect your spouse to be an unchanging entity, you’re mistaken. Change is a natural and essential part of any relationship.
Don’t express indifference or contempt for his masculine traits, achievements, or ideas.
Here’s the thing: masculinity does not inherently elevate a man’s thoughts or actions. It’s essential for both partners to show interest and support in shared ideas while also respecting individuality. I suggest rephrasing this to promote mutual support for each other’s interests and aspirations.
Don’t strive to surpass him in traditionally masculine domains.
Go for it! Whether it’s drag racing or any other passion, don’t shy away from pursuing your interests. The notion that certain abilities belong strictly to one gender is outdated.
Don’t let external pressures interfere with your homemaking duties.
This guideline implies that homemaking is a woman’s primary responsibility. In reality, many households today are led by women who are also the main breadwinners. Responsibilities at home and work should be shared equally, and pursuing education or personal growth should be encouraged.
Don’t have rigid expectations about life.
Pursue your dreams freely! While it’s important to remain adaptable, working together with your partner to realize those ambitions can lead to fulfillment for both.
Don’t obstruct his decisions.
However, if those decisions are ill-advised, it’s crucial to voice your concerns. Effective communication is essential in a healthy partnership.
The Dos
Accept him as he is.
Trust is fundamental, but open communication is equally vital. If you have doubts, address them with your partner.
Admire his masculinity.
Compliments are nice, but let’s focus on mutual admiration and love rather than categorizing traits based on gender.
Recognize his strengths.
Rather than labeling one partner as superior, appreciate each other’s unique abilities. Strengths should be celebrated collectively, regardless of gender.
Embrace domesticity.
Discuss goals and aspirations with your spouse and find ways to support each other both at home and beyond.
Honor his authority.
This notion is outdated. No one “rules” in marriage. Both partners should revere one another and work together to cultivate a loving and supportive environment.
As a father, I find the ideas presented in this list to be relics of a bygone era. Today’s relationships are about shared responsibilities, partnership, and equality. Two individuals loving and supporting each other is a beautiful thing.
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In summary, the guidelines from Fascinating Womanhood may have had their place in 1963, but they clearly do not resonate with the values of today. Marriage should foster equality and partnership, where both individuals share responsibilities and support one another’s growth.
Keyphrase: Modern marriage equality
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