In our family, music plays a significant role, and our eldest daughter, whom I’ll refer to as Sophie, is extraordinarily talented. While many parents claim their kids are musically gifted, Sophie truly stands out. She can effortlessly pick up any instrument and figure out how to play it in moments. Even as a toddler, she would intuitively harmonize with the lullabies I sang, and she composed delightful melodies on our piano without formal instruction.
At the age of six, Sophie expressed her desire to learn the violin, inspired by her best friend. After her initial lesson, her instructor pulled me aside and remarked, “It’s as if she was born with a bow in her hand. Rarely do I encounter children with this level of innate talent.” It was astonishing.
For six years, Sophie attended weekly violin lessons. We transitioned to a different teacher early on, as the first did not mesh well with her learning style, but her second instructor was a perfect fit. Although she enjoyed making music, practicing was another story. By her fifth year, despite her rapid advancement through the standard repertoire, violin practice began to feel like a chore. She grew increasingly resistant to scheduled practice times, preferring to play at her own whim. Convincing her to practice became a struggle, and her enthusiasm for the instrument began to fade.
We attempted to support her through what we thought were typical pre-teen feelings. We discussed how many adults regret quitting their instruments during childhood and emphasized the importance of repetition and technique, even when the process isn’t always enjoyable. We pointed out that she was used to excelling easily, and now that she had reached an advanced level, more effort was necessary. We tried introducing different genres and allowed her to select what she wanted to play, but none of it worked.
Ultimately, she made it clear that she wanted to quit. Recognizing her diminishing love for music, we decided to respect her decision. After countless hours of practice and significant financial investment, we agreed to let her step away from lessons. We kept her violin, hopeful that she might return to it in the future, though uncertainty lingered.
For the first year, Sophie rarely touched her instrument. During the following year, she dabbled with some Irish fiddle pieces and occasionally revisited classical compositions. Finally, three years post-quitting, she surprised us by saying, “I kind of miss playing the violin. I wish I hadn’t quit.”
Interestingly, her motivation for wanting to play again was linked to her aspirations for college, as she realized a music scholarship could be within reach. After relocating across the country, we found her a new teacher, and after a few months, Sophie was back at it. Although she still doesn’t relish practicing, she’s flourishing.
Deciding what’s best for our children is often fraught with uncertainty, especially when it comes to allowing them to make significant choices. Many parents encounter similar crossroads with their children, whether related to music, sports, or other pursuits. At the time, we wrestled with numerous unanswerable questions, primarily driven by fear. How could we differentiate between a typical slump and a genuine need for a break? Would she hold it against us for allowing her to quit? What if she only needed a little extra encouragement? Would all those years of lessons and practice be wasted if she never played again?
Ultimately, we chose to trust her judgment. We recognized that our bond with her and her relationship with music were more important than pressuring her to continue an activity she was beginning to dislike. We concluded that any future engagement with music would need to stem from her own passion and determination. We decided to take a step back, believing that if music was indeed meant to be part of her life, she would return to it in her own time—and she did.
Not all children resume an activity after quitting, and sometimes a break may be permanent. It’s essential to acknowledge that our daughter was making a significant decision, one she would have to live with, regardless of the outcome. However, I’m grateful we left the decision in her hands and maintained the possibility for her to return whenever she felt ready. Even if she hadn’t chosen to play again, I believe this approach was the most supportive way to handle the situation.
Recently, Sophie participated in her first performance in four years and, unsurprisingly, she excelled. She felt proud of her accomplishment, as did we. Yet, what brought us the most joy was seeing her take responsibility for her musical journey, stepping back when needed, and following her innate desire to create music once more.
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Summary
Allowing our daughter to quit violin lessons turned out to be a valuable decision, as it led her to rediscover her passion for music on her own terms. This experience taught us the importance of trusting our children’s instincts and prioritizing their relationships with their passions over external pressures.
Keyphrase: letting go of music lessons
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