A Neighborhood Manifesto for Real Parents

When Jake and I first began our journey together, we resided in a bustling city apartment complex, surrounded by unfamiliar faces. Sure, we were acquainted with the inconsiderate neighbor who repeatedly snatched our parking space and the party-goer who had a penchant for buzzing our door at ungodly hours, but for the most part, we kept to ourselves. We had friends, but not the kind you casually hang out with in an apartment setting.

Our first foray into homeownership was a suburban house located conveniently near Jake’s new job. As novices in homeownership, we entertained our neighbors with our landscaping attempts and DIY projects. They often came out to admire our latest efforts (or perhaps chuckle at our questionable mulching skills), yet we still lacked a close-knit group for Margarita Fridays or Saturday Game Nights.

Everything shifted with the arrival of our children. Suddenly, it felt like we were welcomed into an exclusive community packed with social gatherings, from jewelry parties to cornhole competitions. Our kids found immediate playmates in neighboring yards, and we toasted new friendships with margaritas every Friday night.

However, beneath the seemingly idyllic neighborhood facade, tensions simmered. Discontent over social invitations, gossip about a neighbor’s extravagant garage addition, and debates over property sales prices hinted that our community could benefit from more than just the formal bylaws of homeowner associations. It was clear that we needed a real set of guidelines—an actual manifesto—for our neighborhood.

Here are some ideas that I would propose for our neighborhood manifesto:

I will always keep a stash of popsicles in my freezer, and I won’t bat an eye if your child asks for one during the summer heat. No fancy brands here—just good old-fashioned treats.
If your child zooms by without wearing a helmet, I will be that neighbor who calls out, “Hey! Get back here and strap on that helmet before you hurt yourself!”
I won’t take offense if you decline invitations to my jewelry, kitchen gadget, or essential oils parties. In fact, let’s ban all “pay-to-play” gatherings that no one wants to attend.
Should a natural disaster strike, I pledge to assist your family however I can. This includes sending Jake over for snow shoveling duty while I show up with drinks to keep morale high.
I promise to collect your mail and newspaper while you’re away, and I won’t judge if your bills are piling up.
If I bring food to a gathering, you can bet it’ll be from the store—with price tags still attached. Chips will remain in their bags, dips will have lids, and desserts will proudly display their grocery store origins. All drinks will be served in red Solo cups.
Coffee and wine will always be on hand. If you’re having a rough day, I’ll offer you a mug or a glass, and I won’t raise an eyebrow if you choose wine at 9 AM.
When “Thriller” plays during any gathering, I’ll get up and dance, finishing with an evil laugh. And I will ensure that only ’80s music graces our Saturday evenings—no tunes from the 2000s or later, please.
Bus stop duties will fall to the parents who are running the least late. All kids will be rounded up and kept entertained until the tardy parents arrive.
If your dog has an accident in someone’s yard, you must clean it up. Failure to do so will result in an assignment to plan the annual block party.
In the event of a family emergency or loss, please refrain from bringing lasagna—non-Italian food is greatly appreciated, and, of course, booze is always welcome.
If a home goes on the market, other neighbors have the right to look it up on Zillow and provide constructive criticism on the décor.
Neighborhood game nights will feature Cards Against Humanity, beer pong, and, for the brave, strip poker. Scrabble is strictly forbidden.
If you don’t receive an invitation to a neighborhood event, don’t sulk. Consider that the host may have forgotten, been embarrassed about running out of hot dog buns, or assumed you would just come over.
Treat others as you wish to be treated when it comes to the neighborhood pool. Let’s ensure it’s available for those who are pool-less to enjoy.

Being part of a neighborhood doesn’t have to resemble scenes from Stepford Wives or Wisteria Lane. These principles are ones I could easily embrace. And with the addition of a monthly “Beer Money” collection and a block party featuring live music, I could see myself never wanting to leave this special community.

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Summary

This manifesto outlines essential rules for fostering a supportive and enjoyable neighborhood environment among parents. It promotes a sense of community, encourages involvement, and sets forth guidelines for mutual respect and fun, ensuring that everyone feels welcome and included.

Keyphrase: Neighborhood Manifesto for Parents
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