Updated: August 8, 2016
Originally Published: May 30, 2016
I vividly recall the last time I woke up with a hangover. It was a Sunday in April. As I opened my bleary eyes, I attempted to grasp my surroundings. I was in my own bed, yet the details of how I got there eluded me. I remembered starting a movie, but everything else was a blur. At some point, I had consumed an entire bottle of wine and crawled into bed, but the specifics were lost to me. My mouth felt parched, my throat was sore, my heart raced, and my head throbbed. I promised myself, “No more!” once again vowing to abstain from alcohol forever.
That Sunday passed, and I managed to uphold my promise, largely due to how dreadful I felt. All I craved was water and rest, but life doesn’t pause for the hungover. My daughter and I had tickets to a play, and her eager expression implored me not to disappoint her. So, I mustered the strength to step outside into the brightness of the day.
The sunlight felt like an adversary to an addict. In darkness, we can conceal our flaws and missteps, but the harsh light exposes all. It’s as if the universe is mocking us, shining brightly while we feel we don’t belong. That day, I evaded alcohol, but the following morning, the unpleasant memories began to fade, and I found myself once again reaching for an open bottle of wine. I justified it, thinking I deserved it; after all, my uncle had just passed away, and I had spent the day at his funeral. Returning home, I turned on the TV to see disturbing news about a bombing at the Boston Marathon. Overcome with sadness and despair, I craved a means to numb my pain. By my second glass, I heard it—a voice. Was it God? My conscience? Perhaps I was losing my mind? Regardless of its source, what mattered was the message it conveyed.
“This isn’t helping. This won’t bring your uncle back. This won’t erase the pain in Boston. This won’t make anything go away, but it is causing you to vanish. Come back.”
In that fleeting moment, clarity struck. I realized the person I was becoming. I was a successful professional, a devoted mother of two wonderful children, a wife, a sister, a daughter, and a friend. Yet, all of that was slipping away as I turned to alcohol for relaxation or celebration—there were no longer any reasons needed. I simply wanted to numb my feelings. I could maintain composure during the day, but once night fell, I struggled to find an off-switch for my overwhelmed mind. Alcohol became that switch.
However, when one disengages, they miss out on life. By not allowing myself to experience both joy and sorrow, I forfeited the ability to truly live. I felt like a ghost, even when present in a room, as if I were perpetually running without a finish line. Despite my hard work and love for my family, I felt like I was drowning.
The burden of my struggles felt isolating. I was ashamed and terrified. How had I let it spiral so far? What would others think if they discovered my secret? I knew I couldn’t continue on this path, but I was at a loss for how to stop. I had no coping mechanisms beyond my wine. It was my outlet for celebration, for tears, for unwinding. But I recognized that it must come to an end, or it would only worsen. For me, there was no upward path as long as I continued to drink.
The day I decided to stop drinking, I felt utterly alone. I believed I was the only woman in existence who had failed so profoundly at life. Little did I know then what I understand now—the antidote to addiction is connection. I found solace and support from other women who bravely shared their stories, and it was their strength that inspired me to seek the help I desperately needed. There is undeniable power in revealing that addiction can affect anyone, regardless of age, gender, socioeconomic background, or race. It does not discriminate. Yet, recovery is achievable—it truly is. And it leads to a vibrant life.
Over the past few years, my existence has transformed in countless ways. Rewiring my brain and learning to cope without alcohol has been the most challenging endeavor I’ve ever undertaken. However, each step I take enriches my journey. Today, I thrive. My depression has lifted, I’ve lost 30 pounds, and I’ve launched my own business, where my passion fuels my work. My health has never been better, and I’m a happier mother, wife, and friend. Life has improved tremendously.
On my worst day of recovery, I still feel a thousand times better than I ever did while drinking. I once feared that putting down the wine glass would signal the end of my enjoyment of life, that I would be seen as dull or odd. In reality, when I discarded that last bottle, my true life began. Now, I can be the mother and woman I always aspired to be. I may not be perfect, but I strive to do my best. Some days remain challenging, yet I know that every time I confront my life without resorting to a bottle, the path ahead becomes more beautiful. It’s not easy, but it is always worthwhile.
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In summary, the journey from addiction to recovery is a challenging yet transformative experience that opens doors to a more fulfilling life. It requires courage, support, and a commitment to personal growth, but it is entirely possible to emerge stronger and more connected to oneself and others.
Keyphrase: journey from addiction to recovery
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