1. “I’m eating for two.”
After nine months of avoiding soft cheeses, cured meats, coffee, alcohol, and sushi, it’s time to indulge in that irresistible Costco sheet cake. Yes, it may taste like guilt and regret, but who can blame me?
2. “I have a birth plan.”
Let’s be honest: my plan is to rely on pain relief. Can someone please write me a prescription for some calming meds right now? Hearing about your 12-day labor saga, complete with endless pushing and severe tearing, is not what I need to hear right now. Time for another slice of shame cake to help me cope.
3. “Ahem Ahem Ahem.”
I’m attempting to cover up my embarrassing flatulence with these fake coughs as I navigate through the hallway.
4. “I’m having trouble sleeping.”
Sleep has become a rare commodity since week 30. While you rest peacefully, I’m scouring Amazon for home sterilization kits, contemplating if I should just remove my ovaries to avoid this chaos in the future. If my partner dares to complain about my restless nights, I might just resort to DIY vasectomy videos on YouTube.
5. “We’ve decided on a name.”
Even if my favorite name is reminiscent of a questionable character from your past, your role is to smile and support my choice. Whether it’s something like Adolf Crisco Beiber Belieber or not, your opinion doesn’t matter!
6. “I can’t see my feet.”
Honestly, I can’t see anything below my neck! My personal grooming has hit rock bottom. My body resembles a chaotic jungle with no signs of civilization in sight.
7. “Where’s your bathroom?”
With the frequency of my bathroom trips, I’ve contemplated wearing adult diapers, but alas, my digestive system is unpredictable – caught somewhere between constipation and explosive diarrhea. What will happen next is like an unfortunate surprise, akin to those dissolvable capsule toys, but far less delightful.
8. “Yep, I’m still pregnant.”
I’m fully aware of all the supposed natural labor triggers like spicy food and sex. Thanks for the unsolicited advice, sweet elderly lady at the grocery store, but please refrain from demonstrating areola manipulation – I might just lose my will to ever engage in intimacy again.
9. “My dreams have been strange lately.”
Last night, I dreamt of giving birth to a tiny hotdog baby complete with flippers, only to accidentally leave him in a fitting room at Macy’s. If this reflects my future parenting abilities, I can foresee a visit from Child Protective Services.
10. “The doctor says that my bump is the right size.”
No, it’s not twins! If your only pregnancy reference is Arnold Schwarzenegger’s portrayal in Junior, you need a reality check. I’m swelling up in every area, and my cankles have retained enough water to extinguish a California wildfire. Don’t even think about mentioning my postpartum belly a month after birth, or there will be consequences.
For more insights into pregnancy and home insemination, consider checking out this excellent resource that details various fertility options. And if you’re looking for ways to boost fertility, this article might be of interest, as well as the Impregnator for at-home options.
In summary, the journey through pregnancy is filled with a whirlwind of emotions, physical changes, and unexpected experiences. While the expressions of expectant mothers can seem simple, they often hold deeper meanings reflective of their unique struggles and joys.
Keyphrase: pregnancy expressions
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