By: Megan Rivers
Throughout my childhood, the notion of motherhood was distant and unappealing. As the youngest in my family, the idea of raising children seemed foreign to me. In my early twenties, I was entrenched in a long-term relationship, during which the question of marriage and children inevitably surfaced. I would often dismiss these inquiries with an eye roll, insisting, “That’s just not who I am,” and at the time, it was true.
However, as I entered my late twenties, my life took an unexpected turn when I met someone new. Our romance was intense and all-consuming, so it was no surprise when I found myself pregnant. Yet, the moment I saw that positive pregnancy test, a wave of dread washed over me. Despite being firmly pro-choice, I contemplated abortion. My partner was supportive of whatever decision I made, although it was evident he was excited about the prospect of becoming a father. A small part of me shared that excitement, but I ultimately decided to continue with the pregnancy.
The journey ahead was far from what I envisioned. My first trimester brought not only excruciating nausea but also an overwhelming sense of depression—something I had never encountered before. My mood swings became erratic; one moment I felt euphoric, and the next, I fantasized about jumping off my boyfriend’s apartment building. He sensed my struggles but couldn’t fully comprehend the depth of my despair. Connecting with the embryo growing inside me felt nearly impossible.
When I experienced bleeding at work, a mix of terror and relief washed over me. Perhaps this pregnancy wasn’t meant to be. Rushed to the hospital, the ultrasound revealed that the fetus was fine, but I was diagnosed with a “threatened abortion.” The doctor advised me to take it easy. Meanwhile, my boyfriend’s enthusiasm for our future child grew, while I remained hesitant to embrace the pregnancy.
I found solace in stories of women who faced similar struggles, eventually bonding with their babies. However, my depression persisted, leading to a second threatened abortion and ultimately to my job loss. With my boyfriend now the sole provider, we decided to marry, seeking joy in the midst of turmoil. Yet, my depression lingered, especially after we moved to Central Florida for a fresh start, which only exacerbated my feelings of isolation.
Most days were spent alone, unpacking boxes and waiting for my husband to return home. Loneliness enveloped me; I felt like a stranger to myself. When my birthday arrived, I learned I was having a daughter, which filled me with joy. Inspired by my love for Gilmore Girls, I envisioned a close bond with my future child. I began to refer to my pregnancy in affectionate terms, but this newfound connection was short-lived.
After experiencing more spotting, I rushed to the hospital, where a stress test confirmed everything was fine. However, the spotting worsened, leading me back to the emergency room. There, I saw my baby in 3D for the first time, and all my fears momentarily faded as joy surged through me. But as we drove to Miami the following day, strange pains gripped me. By the time we arrived, it was clear something was wrong.
At the hospital, the doctor delivered grim news: “The baby is trying to come out.” Despite being only 22 weeks along, we were told the chances of survival were minimal. We pleaded for them to do everything possible. In the early hours of the morning, I gave birth to my tiny daughter, who weighed just 15 ounces. As she was whisked away for emergency care, I never got to see her face.
The next day brought the worst news imaginable: our daughter, whom we named Lucy Joy, had passed away. It took nearly five months for me to form a bond with her, only to have that love snatched away by my untreated depression. Research indicates that antenatal depression affects 14-23% of pregnant individuals and is linked to risks like preterm labor and loss. Had I sought help earlier, perhaps I would have had a chance to cherish my time with her. Pregnancy is challenging under normal circumstances, and no one should have to endure the additional burden of depression. Resources are available, and reaching out for help is crucial.
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Summary
The author recounts her difficult experiences with pregnancy and the profound impact of depression throughout the process. From initial fears and struggles to the heart-wrenching loss of her daughter, Lucy Joy, the narrative sheds light on the importance of mental health support during pregnancy. It emphasizes that seeking help is essential, as depression can significantly affect both the mother and the baby.
Keyphrase: depression during pregnancy
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