For the third time, I rummaged through my bag, cramming additional mesh underwear into the exterior pocket. I was stalling.
Typically, new mothers eagerly await their discharge from the hospital after giving birth. They yearn to return to the comfort of their homes, to establish a daily routine, and to snuggle with their newborn in a bed spacious enough for their partner. They are ready to embrace motherhood.
That wasn’t my experience. As I surveyed the room I had just packed up, my duffle bag sat atop a bed surrounded by three vibrant bouquets of congratulatory flowers, a pile of cards, and an assortment of gift bags teeming with adorable newborn clothes. My husband was en route to pick me up and take me home, but as I gazed at the door, dread washed over me. I didn’t want to leave.
A nurse arrived to have me sign the birth certificate for my baby. I found myself rereading his full name repeatedly, finally convinced that we had chosen a name that would serve him well throughout his life.
I attempted to engage in small talk with the nurse, but my devastation was palpable. She quickly recognized my need for reassurance. “The silver lining is that you’ll likely be fully healed by the time your baby comes home,” she offered.
That’s when the tears began to flow.
I understood her intentions were good. She was trying to point out something positive in an incredibly painful situation. Yes, my body would eventually recover from the ordeal of childbirth. But my heart could only begin to mend once my baby was back with me. Until my premature child was discharged from the NICU, I would remain in a state of emotional turmoil.
As I sobbed while exiting the labor and delivery ward, my husband had to support me by the time we reached the elevator. I honestly don’t recall how he managed to help me into the car. As we drove away, I turned back to glance at the unappealing brick building—my baby’s home for an uncertain duration.
“This isn’t right,” I exclaimed. “He needs me. He needs his mother. I can’t leave him. I can’t.”
“He’s receiving the best care available,” my husband replied softly, trying to comfort me. “We’ll return to visit tonight. Just a few more hours. You need to rest.”
“I know, but what if something happens?” Panic surged within me, and my mind spiraled through every terrifying scenario.
For me, the most challenging aspect of leaving the hospital without my baby was the fear of the unknown. I had to entrust my child—my own flesh and blood—to the care of complete strangers during the times I couldn’t be there. Fortunately, the dedicated staff in the NICU turned out to be true lifesavers.
Once I returned home, I tried my best to stay occupied. I had envisioned my initial days at home filled with feedings, diaper changes, and an abundance of cuddling. The thought of coming home without my baby had never crossed my mind. It felt profoundly unnatural; I was overwhelmed with hormones, and my maternal instincts were screaming for me to care for an infant.
I was fortunate to live just a few miles from the hospital, allowing me to visit my son multiple times a day. However, I still faced too many hours of “downtime,” which were meant for eating, sleeping, and showering. Instead, I pumped breast milk obsessively, eager to provide nourishment for my preemie, even though he was too tiny to latch. I meticulously washed and folded tiny clothes in Dreft detergent.
In such a fragile emotional state, I even found myself weeping in the diaper aisle at Target upon spotting a mother pushing her giggling baby in a shopping cart. I probably set a record for the most frequent “check-in calls” to the NICU. In short, I did whatever I needed to do to navigate the most challenging period of my life.
To any mother facing the heart-wrenching experience of leaving the hospital without her baby, I urge you to do whatever it takes to cope. Your baby will be home before you know it. You are stronger than you realize.
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In summary, the journey of leaving the NICU without your newborn is filled with emotional challenges and fears. It’s essential to find ways to cope and support yourself during this difficult time while trusting that your baby will soon be home.
Keyphrase: NICU experience
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