Dear Mom,
I often reflect on the signals you may have unknowingly conveyed as you sent us off to bed during those warm South Florida summer evenings while you departed for your daily rendezvous with your drinking companion. As the sun set, I sensed a profound message that resonated deeply within me: “The drinks hold more significance for me than your father, your siblings, or you. I would prefer to spend my time with them rather than enfolding you in love, listening to your thoughts, or nurturing your dreams.”
Did you ever realize how often I imagined you turning back, bursting through my closed door, and declaring, “Not today! Today, I want to be present in your life. I want to hear about your joys, your heartaches, and your aspirations. Instead of merely dropping you off at the golf range, I wish to understand your passion for the game, to discover what the professionals see in your swing. I want to support you in your journey.”
What if, instead of seeking solace in a haze, you chose to engage in activities we could enjoy together—like catching a movie, sharing a pizza, or simply talking about your thoughts?
I now comprehend that alcoholism is a complex issue. What may have begun as a choice rooted in your own pain evolved into a condition requiring strength to confront and overcome. However, the first step had to be yours: to recognize that there was something in your life more valuable than the next drink.
You had the potential to confront your demons, to use the resilience cultivated from your past wounds to rise above them, rather than trying to exert control over us. You could have chosen to face the void within you and fill it with pursuits other than Scotch—like nurturing your dreams, fostering our ambitions, offering genuine affection, or serving others. In doing so, you could have set an inspiring example, teaching us that brokenness can lead to profound beauty if we allow it to flourish.
I frequently ponder why you never took that initial step, why you never acknowledged your struggle, nor sought help—help I believe Dad would have been eager to provide in hopes of restoring the life we once had. Most importantly, I still wonder why you never expressed remorse for the chaos left in the wake of your addiction. I gave you countless opportunities to do so, right until your final moments, yet you left me with lingering questions: Why didn’t you see your worth? Why didn’t you recognize our importance? Why wasn’t I significant enough?
Your Middle Child
P.S. It has taken time to piece together my understanding, and I still have my own healing to pursue. However, I believe you would be proud of the person I have become, and I hope that’s true.
The reality is: parenting is an imperfect journey for all of us. Despite our well-meaning intentions, many yearn for a redo in childhood. Yet, whether you identify with the mother in this letter or the son (or both), it’s essential to focus on the present rather than seeking to redo the past. For mothers, it means having the bravery to evaluate if the choices made to ease personal pain are teaching their children healthy coping mechanisms. For children, it involves finding the strength to forgive and using past pain as a catalyst for positive transformation—not just in their own lives, but also for those who depend on them.
For those interested, you can explore more about navigating the journey of parenthood and insemination through resources such as this article and this one on home insemination. Additionally, an excellent resource for understanding pregnancy and home insemination can be found here.