Today, I find myself weary of being the anchor in this whirlwind of family life. This sentiment might come across as complaining or blaming, but that’s not my intention. I am deeply thankful for the journey of motherhood, and I truly value the contributions of my partner, Mark. He is remarkably kind, consistently supportive, and incredibly helpful.
Yet, he doesn’t embody the same role I do. He isn’t the one constantly trying to patch the leaks, juggling a toddler on one hip while attempting to prepare dinner with the other hand. He doesn’t seem to mind if the upstairs carpets have gone untouched for weeks or if our child has to wear mismatched pajamas. When things start to unravel, he doesn’t perceive it as a personal failure; to him, it’s simply life unfolding. His perspective is one I aspire to adopt, as I recognize it is healthier. If I allowed certain things to slide, I might find greater happiness.
But what transpires if the one who holds everything together simply lets go?
This past weekend, my family and I joined Mark’s relatives for our annual ski getaway—a four-day adventure that meant I had quite the packing task ahead of me. As usual, Mark packed his essentials: a modest duffle for his clothing and winter gear.
In contrast, I took on the responsibility of packing for the entire family: my own clothes, toiletries, and winter attire; onesies and diapers for the baby; snacks and outfits for the toddler; backups for everything and a cooler filled with groceries. I also packed two travel cribs, a Pyrex dish for breakfast, various chargers, distractions for the car ride, mittens, snowsuits, and even more items.
About 90 minutes into our journey, I realized I had forgotten the spices for the beef stew I intended to prepare for dinner. They were still at home, neglected in the spice rack. As we crossed into New Hampshire, it hit me that my snow pants were still tucked away in a box in the attic, the only unchecked item on my extensive list. On the second day, Mark casually asked, “Did you pack the Bluetooth speaker?” I hadn’t.
In those moments, it didn’t matter that I had remembered approximately 8,000 other items. All I could fixate on were the things I had overlooked. I am the organizer, the planner, the doer. If I falter, the repercussions affect everyone—sometimes in minor ways, like missing a speaker, and other times on a grander scale.
This internal conflict is not new. I often find myself oscillating between extremes, sometimes feeling fully competent and empowered in my role as a mother, while other times feeling utterly overwhelmed by the weight of my responsibilities.
There are days when I receive well-meaning advice from others, urging me to “let it go” and “prioritize what truly matters.” What they mean by “important” is my children.
“The dirty floors can wait,” they remind me. “Children won’t.”
They are correct. My boys are growing quickly, and I recognize the importance of spending these fleeting years focused on them. However, I grapple with the question: what happens to the rest of the household when the glue that keeps it together decides to step back?
Do we simply abandon the idea of clean clothes? Will we ignore the fact that we’re out of toilet paper? Do I allow appointments to lapse and bills to go unpaid? Will dinner become a chaotic free-for-all because planning and preparing meals is too overwhelming? How do I discern what to release and what to cling to?
Surely, there are mothers who have mastered the art of balancing chaos and order. They seem unfazed by the messiness of life, knowing that their children’s happiness takes precedence. They can forget appointments without losing control and let meal plans crumble by mid-week without breaking a sweat. They’ve managed to drop some of the balls without upending their entire juggling act.
I have yet to reach that level of balance. I aspire to it, but today, I am still navigating through the chaos.
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In summary, the journey of motherhood often involves a delicate balance between chaos and structure. While we strive to maintain order, it’s crucial to remember that our children’s happiness and well-being should always come first. Finding that balance may take time, but it’s a worthwhile pursuit.
Keyphrase: Finding balance in motherhood
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