When I was just 18, I embarked on a significant new chapter by moving out of my mother’s home into my own modest apartment. It was a small, one-bedroom space typical for college students, furnished with budget-friendly items from the “dorm aisle” at Target. My furnishings included a set of three nesting tables, two beanbag chairs, a blue card table with four folding chairs, a futon, and a flimsy yet essential white bookcase. (My love for reading has remained a constant in my life.)
Although the decor was minimal, it symbolized independence—this space was mine alone. I had started college just two weeks earlier, having spent that time holed up in a Hampton Inn four miles from campus. Moving into my apartment was the most thrilling moment of my young life, but it was equally daunting. In those two weeks, I had already begun to spiral into a dark place. I transitioned from being an ambitious student to feeling like a “failure,” skipping classes and opting to hide away in my hotel room, eating less and sleeping excessively.
By the time I held the keys to my new place, I was deep in the grips of my first depressive episode while navigating life on my own. As young adults, we receive warnings about the dangers of substances, unprotected sex, and academic pressures, yet no one prepares us for the overwhelming isolation and anxiety that can accompany significant life changes. This transition, while exciting, can also act as a catalyst for depression, especially for those with a history of mental health issues.
It didn’t take long for me to succumb to a debilitating episode. I withdrew from college during my second semester, keeping my struggles a secret until my freshman year ended. My social life dwindled as I turned to drinking more frequently and retreated to my boyfriend’s dorm room. I often found myself hiding under the covers while he engaged in normal college activities, unable to face the expectations everyone had for me—a straight-A student who was now floundering.
When my boyfriend inquired about my plans for school or suggested I find a job, I would break down in tears. To the outside world, it seemed I was spiraling out of control, but the truth was that my challenges stemmed from my mental illness. Instead of seeking help, I fell into a cycle of shame, fear, guilt, and remorse.
In my attempts to self-medicate, I resorted to cutting, pills, and overpriced alcohol, desperate to escape the torment and regain a sense of normalcy. It was only after seeking therapy that I began to notice a shift. While my situation was far from perfect, it was an improvement. Why? Because I had taken the crucial step of breaking my silence.
It has taken me 16 years to become comfortable with the reality of my mental illness. Despite knowing I shouldn’t feel ashamed, I let that feeling consume me, haunting my thoughts. I stayed quiet out of fear—fear that I was losing my mind and that I might simply be a failure unable to cope with adult responsibilities. I thought no one would understand the depth of my sadness or the overwhelming numbness that often enveloped me.
I also believed no one cared. Even now, there are moments when that thought creeps back in. However, I realize I was mistaken. Talking about mental illness can feel embarrassing, and explaining the feelings of worthlessness and isolation is challenging. Yet, the alternative—remaining silent—only perpetuates shame, isolation, and illness.
Therefore, I refuse to be ashamed of my mental health challenges any longer. Yes, I still feel fear and pain, but I am committed to breaking the silence and shedding the guilt that once held me captive. I will not allow my mental health to define me.
To anyone out there—whether it’s a friend who puts on a brave face while struggling, a colleague who isolates themselves, or a young person who feels lost—I want to say this: Dealing with depression or any mental illness is incredibly difficult. There will be days when it feels insurmountable, yet you possess the strength to endure. You are not defined by your illness; you are a person of worth, deserving of love and support.
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In conclusion, remember that you are not alone in your fight, and you deserve to take up space in this world without shame.
Keyphrase: Mental Illness Acceptance
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