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An Incomplete Overview of Methods That Won’t Aid Your Baby’s Sleep
by Harper Thompson
Updated: Dec. 2, 2020
Originally Published: Feb. 11, 2016
When you’re caring for a child who struggles with the nuances of falling and staying asleep, well-meaning friends and family often flood you with unsolicited sleep advice. While many would prefer a few hours of free babysitting during those challenging early morning hours, you might find yourself trying out every tip they suggest. As time drags on, you may feel a strong urge to express your frustration with whimsical rhymes inspired by classic children’s literature: “No! She will not sleep in a box, she will not sleep with a fox, she will not sleep in a house, she will not sleep with a mouse, she simply will not sleep!”
At this point, additional sleep strategies are futile. You’ve likely encountered every suggestion under the sun. Instead, here’s a non-exhaustive list of things that are unlikely to assist your baby in sleeping through the night—because honestly, I’m too fatigued to compile a complete list.
- Swaddling
- Not swaddling
- Pacifiers
- Rocking to sleep
- Not rocking to sleep
- Dream feeds
- Skipping the dream feed
- Drowsy but awake (also known as, “I might be drowsy, but if you attempt to set me down while I’m still awake, prepare for an hour of intense screaming.”)
- A calming bath
- An unexpectedly chaotic bath where an older sibling splashes water onto the baby
- Sharing a room
- Sharing a bed
- Cry it out
- Cry it out followed by bed-sharing failure
- Lavender room spray
- An unintentional spill of lavender essential oil, which results in your house smelling like a quaint French bordello for a week
- Lullabies before bed
- Acceptable background noise levels
- White noise
- Complete silence
- Neighbors slamming car doors
- Nursing to sleep
- Not nursing to sleep
- Crying it out again
- Any literature or website ever published on the topic
- Homeopathic teething tablets
- Allowing baby to nap on demand
- Following a strict schedule with two daily naps
- Skipping naps
- Car naps
- Stroller naps
- Crib naps
- Holding baby until your arm feels numb naps
- A detailed bedtime routine
- Going to bed on time
- Retiring early
- Staying up late
- Waking up early
- Sleeping in late (just kidding—that’s a fantasy)
- Fairy sleep dust made from ground unicorn horns purchased in bulk from the local health co-op
- Cotton pajamas
- Fleece pajamas
- Sleep sacks
- Warm blankets
- Light blankets
- No blankets
- A new crib mattress
- Mercury in retrograde
- Rushing to the baby’s side at the first whimper, preventing any escalation
- Waiting 5 to 10 minutes to see if the baby will settle down
- Night-weaning
- Cry it out for a third time
- Not returning the pacifier after it has been launched across the room
- Returning the pacifier after an hour
- Bargaining with a higher power
- Attempting to reason with the baby using logic
- Offering cash to the child
If you can somehow manage to focus your sleep-deprived eyes long enough to read any article on getting babies (or toddlers, let’s be honest) to sleep through the night, you’ll likely notice one recurring theme: time. In every success story, the baby grows older and eventually sleeps through the night. Yours will too, and when that day comes, you’ll be welcomed into an exclusive club where you can say things like, “Enjoy it! It all passes so quickly!” to other weary mothers in the grocery store. Until then, keep pushing through. Your baby will sleep someday. A mother can dream, right? Or at least daydream.
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Summary
This article humorously outlines various ineffective methods for helping babies sleep, reflecting the frustrations of parenting. While many well-meaning suggestions are presented, the core message remains that time is often the key factor in achieving sleep success as children grow.
Keyphrase: ineffective baby sleep methods
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