Updated: October 11, 2017 | Originally Published: February 2, 2016
The moment I learned via ultrasound that my firstborn would be a girl, I was overwhelmed with emotion—not the joyous kind. Perhaps it was the surge of hormones, or perhaps it was the lingering lessons from numerous women’s studies courses haunting my thoughts. This was supposed to be a pivotal moment, but I felt unprepared. Words like “misogyny,” “sexual assault,” and “gender pay gap” loomed large in my mind.
Fast forward a decade, and I’m the mother of three daughters. The anxiety I felt that day still lingers, despite my efforts to educate myself through various articles and research on how to raise confident daughters. Throughout this journey, I’ve compiled a list of things to avoid, which I’ve tried—and sometimes failed—to adhere to. Perhaps you’ll fare better.
1. Don’t Abandon Your Career
I spent a decade in full-time caregiving—an experience I deemed meaningful and significant. I attempted to instill this value in my daughters. However, a recent Harvard study revealed that daughters of working mothers earn 23 percent more than those whose mothers stay at home. This news reinforced my fears about being an inadequate role model as a stay-at-home parent. Now, I work from home while my children are at school, turning a nursery into an office. Yet, my kids remain blissfully unaware. Just the other day, my eldest remarked, “Charlotte’s mom is a stay-at-home mom like you.” I had to correct her, “No, I work now!” Her response was a blank stare.
2. Avoid Complimenting Her Looks
In 2011, after reading an article from media commentator Lisa Bloom, I stopped telling my daughters they were pretty. The study revealed alarming statistics, such as a quarter of young American women preferring to win a modeling competition over a Nobel Prize. Growing up in a Southern town, I witnessed the pressure of beauty firsthand; I understood that such compliments could lead to a troubling obsession with appearance. Yet, it’s hard to ignore how beautiful little girls are—every one of them looks like a masterpiece, untouched by the harsh realities of adulthood.
3. Never Show Self-Doubt
A poignant Dove advertisement titled “Legacy” emphasized the need for mothers to speak positively about their bodies, as daughters often mirror our self-perceptions. This prompted me to change my dialogue. When my daughter questions my body, I joke, “This is the Belt of Motherhood, a badge of honor!” Ultimately, I find myself fabricating stories, as that ad transformed me into a disingenuous version of myself.
4. Don’t Label Her as Bossy
Just as I accepted my limitations in embodying leadership ideals promoted by Sheryl Sandberg, I stumbled upon the “Ban Bossy” campaign. In moments of frustration when my five-year-old demands her way, I refrain from calling her “bossy.” Instead, I opt for more colorful language—“Hey, stop being an a-hole!” Thank you, Sheryl.
5. Let Her See Your Humanity
My own mother, a stay-at-home parent fixated on appearances, often asks if I was the most attractive person at social gatherings. While she is loving and generous, her questions reflect a superficial value system. By hiding our flaws, we risk depriving our daughters of understanding that complexity is part of being human. They need to know that it’s okay for mothers to be feminists, to be both confident and vulnerable, and to practice self-love even when they don’t feel attractive. So, let’s loosen up a bit. Tell your girl she’s beautiful if you wish, and remind her that being “bossy” isn’t her only aspiration.
In summary, while it’s essential to guide our daughters, we must also embrace our imperfections and allow them to see us as multifaceted individuals. We can break these societal norms while steering clear of the influence of superficiality.
For even more insights on parenting, check out this resource on home insemination and explore the benefits of IVF, which may be helpful on your journey.
Keyphrase: Raising Daughters Without Societal Pressure
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