Updated: Jan. 28, 2016
Originally Published: Jan. 26, 2016
The nursery has been meticulously prepared, the hospital bag is organized, and the decision to subscribe to BabyCenter’s newsletter has been made. Ah, the BabyCenter newsletters—a weekly infusion of information for parents who are already inundated with advice. However, it’s not the well-informed adults who are in dire need of guidance; it’s the newborns, those tiny beings who not long ago were unaware of the very act of respiration.
1 Week
At this stage, parental energy is still somewhat intact, but it will soon morph into sheer exhaustion when they are isolated and forced to feign enthusiasm in front of visitors. These guests will inevitably enter the home, poking your little belly and comparing your facial features to theirs.
Overheard: “And your dad remarked, ‘Oh my! She has my nose!’ The audacity! If she has your nose, prepare for a lifetime of passive-aggressive comments.” – Aunt Clara
1 Month
You are still getting accustomed to the act of breathing, a foreign concept indeed. Your head, once misshapen from the birth process, gradually returns to its normal form. Giants—individuals much larger than you—will pick you up and swing you around while singing. Amidst this chaos, your parents will become perplexed by your cries, even resorting to labeling you as “colicky.” Brace yourself; the journey ahead will only escalate in intensity.
Overheard: “Why does she continue to cry? It makes no sense. Hand me that thermometer. We need to check her temperature.” – Dad
2 Months
Savor the moments of lying in your crib, indulging in the sights of your mobile (you won’t believe how the second season concludes!). Soon, however, your parents will enforce pediatrician-recommended sessions of “Tummy Time,” which can be likened to a dry form of waterboarding. You will be placed on a blanket, flailing like a fish out of water while your parents scroll through their devices. To add to your discomfort, they may start administering gas drops, as if gas is the only thing that elicits your smiles.
Overheard: “Look! She smiled at me first! It’s because I put her socks on. Her feet are so cold. We need to wrap her up!” – Grandma
6 Months
Have you discovered that during peek-a-boo, when your father’s hands obscure his face, he is indeed still there? This is known as “object permanence,” and you will soon explore the world by testing the permanence of various objects—by attempting to destroy them. If you are uncertain about an object, feel free to taste it; it might just be edible. Your parents refer to that bland white substance “cereal,” while they devour Lucky Charms. Who knows, that iPad might be a sweet treat—why not give it a try?
Overheard: “Yesterday she gnawed on my phone, and today she bit the cat. Where does this oral fixation come from? Pass the wine.” – Mom
1 Year
Today marks the anniversary of your arrival into the world, which is celebrated with a decorated cake. A brightly colored confection will be placed before you as everyone sings. After a moment of bewilderment, your parents will extinguish the flames atop the cake, and you will be encouraged to indulge in refined sugar for the first time. Expect laughter at your reaction; for the rest of your life, you will be advised to avoid such treats.
Overheard: “She’s clueless! Just put it in front of her! Look at her face!” – Aunt Liz, with frosting on her lips
2 Years
The trauma of birth will begin to fade, and you will start to realize your rightful position as the center of the universe. You are entitled to attention and to get everything you desire. Should you feel neglected, do not hesitate to express your discontent! Throw yourself on the ground, thrash about, and make the sounds of your babyhood. It worked then; why wouldn’t it now? Prepare for a lifetime of being the focal point.
Overheard: “I can relate! We should just go for it again.” – Mom
In summary, while parenting advice may often be directed at the parents, the true focus should ideally be on the infants themselves, who are navigating an entirely new world. For more insight into this journey of parenthood, consider exploring resources such as WomensHealth.gov for comprehensive information on pregnancy and home insemination, or visit Make a Mom for valuable tools on your fertility journey.
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